My pregnancy has been a struggle, just looking for some uplifting words

I got pregnant in the midst of rock bottom in my several year relationship, we were unhappy, I made mistakes and made a vow to be 100% in the relationship by that point he was already talking to other girls and it's just a big fiasco.

But that's not what this post is about it's about my pregnancy.

Since the beginning because of all that I really struggled up until about the first 2 weeks of my second trimester back and forth on wanting my baby, placing for adoption, abortion. I think I struggled with these decisions because I'm so fearful of what the future holds! ( I already a have kid so I know I can do it.) my big question was do I WANT to do it! I'm not past the point of no return and I feel so disconnected to this pregnancy ( I had my normal intuition and I knew the gender from the day I took the test) but other than that I feel so disconnected. Also it's almost 18 weeks and I haven't so much as felt a flutter and this is my second pregnancy. I want to feel connected/: