I have always been ambivalent (at best) about children. My husband loves children (he is a big kid) and has always wanted kids and there was never any doubt he'd make a great father. I know myself well enough to recognize my propensity for boredom, lack of patience, etc. Not naturally mom material.

While our pregnancy was planned, it happened A LOT faster than we assumed - first try. Because we're in our mid-30s and almost all our friends faced challenges conceiving, we thought it would take some time. Not so much!

I have been struggling with my pregnancy thus far. Not only have I felt like a steaming pile of poo, I'm a ball of insecurities and selfishness. I desperately want sushi and (a bottle of) wine. I fear I'll be a cold mother like my grandmother was (I take after her a bit too much) or a neurotic worrywart like my own mom. I have stressed over what a child might do to my relationship with my husband, and how my life is going to be upended. I loathe so much of the physical changes I've undergone (who replaced my nipples?! What is that?!). I have deep fears over the state of the world we're launching this little being into, and the cruelty and danger it offers. I'm totally overwhelmed by the amount of work and preparation we have to do. I also really would prefer a boy for several reasons, and being the control freak that I am, it bothers me to no end that I have no say in the mater!

Now that I'm 16 weeks in, I think I've finally felt an internal change. I'm calmer, more loving toward the little interloper in my uterus and less anxious. I'm getting excited to meet the little person, and know I have a solid partner to help with any challenges we might face. I know so many women get pregnant and are instantly joyous; I am not that woman. It also bothers me that all mothers-to-be are expected to be just oozing happiness, when I've noticed that really isn't everyone's experiences. I am, however, really growing on the idea. Better late than never, right?