It just dawned on me how lame and sad my life is.

I'm a 17y/o who doesn't have any friends, I haven't had any in three/four years. It's been four years since I've hung out with anyone my age(or close to my age) like left the house and did stuff without parents around. I still haven't had my first kiss, I've never had a boyfriend, being intimate with a guy just intimidates me. It doesn't help that I'm doing online school.

This is my senior year and I have no idea what I want to do after high school. I don't have any interests and no skills that I know of. I feel like a failure. My family has high hopes of me going to college and getting a career. It feels like I'm letting them down by being clueless and not having a plan for my future.

My social skills are shit. I get really anxious in social situations, I can barely order my own food. Initiating conversations is not my forte. I have to mentally repeat what I'm about to say multiple times to make sure it sounds decent and understandable. I'm usually always wearing long sleeves(a security blanket for me) whenever I leave the house. In anxious situations I'm either tugging at my sleeves or turning on and off my phone.

I just moved to Texas a few months ago and i don't know anyone but my mom's roommates. I rarely ever leave the house and when I do it's usually with my mom to go to the store or gas station.

I don't have a job. I don't have a license because I'm too scared to drive. Seriously, for me, driving is a moving box of anxiety.

Emotions suck. My wall is built so high that I don't even let myself in. I, unintentionally, repress everything and bottle up my emotions. Seriously, I was being yelled at one time and just sat there emotionless and blankly stared ahead. If you were to ask me how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling I would just blankly stare at you and say "I'm fine" or "Just tired." I overthink everything. I have to mentally repeat everything multiple times before I actually say what I want to say. I never let myself talk consciously, even with family. I'm always listening to music. I feel that it helps me relax and keep my mind focused on the lyrics. I never let anyone in. I'm scared to tell anyone how I'm feeling because I think they're going to use it against me, make fun of me, or tell me that I'm wrong and try to tell me what they think I'm feeling.

I don't like going anywhere by myself. I like having at least one person that I know with me. This sucks because I have to fly to Arizona by myself in a couple of weeks. I have to do this 4 times this school year because of quarterly finals. This is essentially going to be endless panic/anxiety attacks. You have no idea how emotionally drained I'll be, between the stress and anxiety from both flying and finals. Plus all the studying I'll have to do.