It's going to be ok! (LONG)

I'm definitely learning so much through my pregnancy. I'm the oldest of 4 and my dad traveled for work a lot so my mom took care of us by herself most of the time. She would scream at us most days because all she did was stay home with us. She was exhausted always, but that was her job. Stay at home mom. She NEVER once complained about being a mom, she may have said she needed a break but of course she did, but she NEVER complained about having us. Never regretted any of us. She always said how being a mom was her favorite job in the world and she wouldn't change it for nothing. With being the oldest, I got to experience all of her pregnancies. She always read her books to me about what baby was doing that week and it was the highlight of my day. I always cherished and loved getting to feel my siblings move and kick in her belly. I was fascinated. I also helped with all of my siblings and helped in church nursery and babysat all growing up. I heard nothing but positive things about pregnancy and about being a mom and how it was all worth it. So, because of my mom, I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. I was always excited about the FEELINGS and EMOTIONS that would come along with it. The bond during pregnancy. The talking to my baby. Well, a few years ago, I tried to kill myself and was diagnosed with major depression. Some people don't understand it. It's like, for no reason at all, you can be having the best day ever and circumstances can be wonderful and I'm a Christian so I always have God but out of no where, BOOM! It hits you and nothing is pulling you out of it. Well, I have had it since high school but didn't get diagnosed until 23, so I grew to be numb to everything. On top of everything, my husband it a recovering heroin addict (a year clean this month) so when he had relapsed, it pulls me down and I shut down and wall up. Well finding out I was pregnant, I was excited, like I said, about all the emotions. I actually like emotions (not the hormones 😝.) The emotions I have been waiting to feel, nothing. To me, until today, it's an alien moving inside of me. It's foreign and strange. Everything about this is weird. Until today, I have felt nothing towards my baby. My mom always tells me I can't always go off emotions but to me, that's what I wanted to be pregnant for! So I have felt I'm going to not love my child and my baby is going to hate me. I have been terrified. I wanted to love my son, but I just didn't think it would happen. Even the ultrasound for the gender, I cried but I still felt nothing towards him. I felt like the worst mother ever. But I'm learning that like my mother said, it's not all emotions and the emotions won't always be there. I learning. So, I guess I'm trying to say that, if you don't "love" your baby yet, just wait. It will happen. 💙