Well, bye bye baby dreams 👋

Just wanted to vent somewhere before I let go of the thing which I’ve pretty much obsessed over for the last 3 years! Going to need to find a new focus 🤔

The obsession comes from an unwanted abortion, I hate myself every single day, and wish I hadn’t been talked into it, by my then boyfriend, latterly fiancé and most recently, ex.

I hate him for it as much as I hate myself, he begged, demanded and threatened. At the time I had no job, was in debt and dependant on him as it was and he told me he would leave me if I didn’t terminate. I cant even bring myself to say those words out loud, I feel so guilty.

And in the end, not long after, so did he, so starts 3 years of trying to replace what we once had the chance of. And guess what, karmas a bitch, and we spent 3 years failing month after month, chemical pregnancies, fertility appointments, unexplained diagnosis, tests and treatments and medication, and finally in a couple of weeks I have key hole surgery.

All the while, I knew the relationship wasn’t right, but I held in there, because I so badly wanted my child, I would have made a great mum, and it’s all I could think about. But turning 30 made me realise I didn’t deserve to be treated second best anymore. Not even second best to be honest, to him I was bottom priority. I always put him first, but to him my needs came last. I dealt with all the upset and emotion of this journey on my own, he was too busy to deal with my emotional-ness. He always told me straight up he didn’t have time for me. I just finally decided that wasn’t good enough.

So 11 months after getting engaged, after 3 years of trying for a family together, after 7 years of putting up with being treated and spoken to like dirt enough was enough. So he’s now moved out and I’m buying him out of the mortgage.

It felt really empowering for a while, independent woman, doing what was right, putting myself first.

But this is the hardest part. Saying goodbye to my chance of a family. And like a cruel trick, my final month of having a chance, because I still slept with him before he moved out for that reason, I was a week late for my period. Getting my hopes up that at the last minute I was going to get a win out of this.

But no, karma, just reminding me, I deserve to feel every bit of this disappointment and pain, because I made a horrible mistake, and this just feels like fair punishment.

Good luck to everyone here trying, I hope you have all the luck I didn’t ❤️