My heart is breaking 😪

Hey mommas, having an issue that’s eating me up inside, and since no ones seems able to say anything that makes me feel any better, I thought I’d pour it out here to get it off my chest. Sorry it’s long.

My son is 11 1/2 months, he’s my first. I love him to no end. We had a rough start with breastfeeding, he has a tongue tie which made it difficult to latch without causing me excruciating pain. I was therefore not able to exclusively breastfeed. When we did get a good latch, I’ll be honest and say that I couldn’t be bothered to spend my non-breastfeeding moments pumping. So there it is, I did both, but mostly formula. When he was 5 months, he just stopped wanting the breast altogether. He was always very attached to me, wouldn’t go with anyone else, even my husband. Now maybe it’s my fault for wishing he would just go with someone else to give me a break every once in awhile. Anyways, last couple of weeks he wants nothing to do with me. When we’re home alone during the day, everything is fine. We play, he shows affection, he laughs and is good. As soon and my husband walks through the door, he immediately starts to scream and cry as if someone’s trying to kill him and pushes me away. If he’s eating and my husband leaves, he loses his shit and refuses to eat anymore. Same with my mom. As soon as she walks in, he wants only her. Last night he slept at my parents house and I slept like shit, but still got up early cause I missed the little bugger and came to my parents house. Now, he smiled when I walked in the room (my mom was holding him), but when I went to go take him from her, he held onto her tight and turned away from me. When she held him out and I picked him up, he started screaming and crying and reaching for her. I just grabbed him and left the room and he continued to cry. Now I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out because I can’t understand why he’s hating me so much. Did he not form that attachment because I didn’t breastfeed him? Is this my fault? I don’t know what to do. As much as my husband tries to reassure me, he’s not good at it. He doesn’t react the same way when I walk into the room as he does with my husband and mom. I’m so hurt. My heart is in pieces.

This is my little guy