Date raped

Other than my husband, I've never told anyone about the fact I was raped when I was 16 (I'm now 28) and that was how I lost my virginity. I had lied to my parents where I was that night, the night before Thanksgiving (in Canada), and I snuck out to a party.

There was a guy, Alistair, who was super cute and kept offering me a drink. I finally said sure, I had already been drinking, so why not? Right?

After the fact, I remember thinking it was strange that he got me a beer from a bedroom, rather than the fridge that was right beside us but at the time I never even thought twice. I mean, a cute guy was talking to me!

We flirted our way to a room later that night and we consensually made out. I remember at one point, another girl came into the room and said to Alistair, "so, you ready?". At this point, my body started to feel weird, like I couldn't move but I was alert enough to recall what was happening around me.

I remember laying on the bed and he started to force himself on me but my body wouldn't respond. The girl asked him if he had a condom, I don't remember his answer, and then I felt intense pain and pressure. All I could think was "stop!" Over and over again but I couldn't move, I could only lay there.

Afterward, many hours later, when I finally regained control of my body, I remember that I was half laying on the bed and half laying on the floor, my pants and blood stained underwear were still around my ankles. They had left me there, vulnerable, open, disgusting.

It took me so many years to cope enough to even think about it. I had to many of the typical guilt associated with trauma. I remember

Thinking it was my fault because I accepted the drink, I wasn't safe enough, I shouldn't have snuck out, it wasn't overly violent so I could have had it worse and shouldn't be upset by it, others have had it way wore than I.

The fact there was a girl present, who helped him, made it so much worse though, we were on the same side. Why would/could she do that to another woman.

Recently, my now husband, found out that he's married. He's married? To someone that loves him and whom he loves back? I, I couldn't understand this and I still struggle with this. He should be miserable, walking the earth as a reject but he's happy (presumably) and probably doesn't even know or care the pain and anguish he caused me. I bet he doesn't even remember, and he walks the Earth happy. So, all I can say in response to him is Fuck You Alastair, Fuck You.