I feel as if my life is over.

I still have lots of questions to ask that I know will never be answered.

It's been 10 years since the actual abuse happened I was 13 he was my best friend at the times step uncle. I just started high school I just wanted to meet friends so I did, but then after a few months I fell out with those friends and ended up spending time with her uncle. To the point where he enjoyed the fact that I'm no longer friends with his step niece and another girl he didn't want me to talk to them because then the truth may come out I think I'm not sure but he still spoke to them.

Right before we fell out:

So I'm still 13 it's Halloween well the night after. I was sleeping over his house with another girl her mum was there too, during the night I jolt and move around so my arms was all over the place in a cramp bed, he was on the sofa next to us everyone was still asleep but he started to hold my hand then rub my back I mean he would hug me a lot but not like one on one more of a friendly thing because he was affectionate to his niece. I woke up went in the kitchen and so did he then he started to hug me and he had an erection, next thing you know we're having a sexual conversation he kept saying things like 'if I went down on you, you would love it' or 'what me and my girlfriend do is amazing and that's what you do' then started asking what I have done with guys and am I a virgin. I was like I'm a virgin only kissed a guy. Then started talking to me about his girlfriend. Me and the girls spent at least 5 days out of 7 with him we would talk watch films play video games go cinema. Then for whatever reason one of the girls said how I should go out with him because we get on so well and how he's like a brother to her so he wouldn't hurt me like all the boys in school. As a guy broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him. He arranged that we go on a 'date' the abuser. It wasn't a date it was in a flat where no one knew where we was then he was talking about us kissing so then he kissed me and said he loves me and how he's never felt this way I didn't say anything I was just taking it and wanting to go home but I didn't want to cause a scene as anyone up the road would get involved if they heard an argument. I went home and messaged him that I don't want to see him again and how we should just be friends not like this it's not right. He said I know it's wrong but I feel something special for you. I changed my number. Then I started falling out with everyone because apparently I hurt his feelings. She would see me on the bus start screaming at me saying I broke his heart. So that's why we fell out.

He sent me so many messages I started to feel guilty like I'm doing something wrong , I ended up speaking to him again I'm not even sure how, oh yes I do it was because I didn't want my parents to be disappointed if he ever told them. We started spending time together except this time he would put child porn on and say it's wrong then put adult porn on then gangbang porn. Almost like this is the next step. For me I just wanted someone to listen as my parents stopped caring about me. Then he started saying that people make love and have sex when they love someone it's the way they show they love each other as long as they aren't doing it with anyone else then started saying he would marry me. That he loves me. Then saying how we should try it to see how I find it so he put it in and I screamed and cried and again messaged him that I never want to see him. Then he decided that he was gonna make his way to my house I saw him on my road when I was out with friends and sent me messages saying talk to me or I'll find you and tell everyone including your dad what a slut you are do you think they'd believe you. I was gonna tell my mum but she was happy that day I didn't want agro. So I had to go back to him he said he would spray paint it around my area and if my dad starts he would take him out so I had no choice. Then he started to be SO nice buy me whatever I wanted in the shops take me where I want to go he said he loves me everyday. Then he would touch me through my clothes dry hump me make me touch him then he wanted me to suck him off I didn't want to I said I didn't he said you can't love me that much so obviously I did. Then he wanted to try and have sex again I was like mmm like I never commented he was like I'll be gentle this time we've done everything else. You know I love you. And he even tried to make me feel better by saying he is a virgin to. He's 25 and is wanting to bang a child like seriously? Anyway I was trembling of fear he knew that continued his slow motion anyway he did what he wanted to do. From that moment I became more introverted I wouldn't say anything I'd just allow it. Then he wanted to try get me to stay over anyway I ran away from home because I thought that's what he wanted. Police found my diary of all the things we would do. He got arrested for indecency of a child. That didn't stop him he thought that 'we would win' and said how he would kill my dad and get my mum raped if I tell the police that we had sex because then he'll go prison and kept saying I'm doing this because I love you, is it wrong to love someone? He was on bail and he still wanted me to see him and have sex with him, a few times I had to lie making out someone would be sending him a visit so I knew I could go home. No one told me about periods so felt like a proper freak that he slept with me before I had my first period. They took his phone but made sure I never told them about his computer hard drive he had pictures of me and even his niece I saw the odd naked guy photo one time. I promised I wouldn't. We started to argue more he would begin to shove me around. I had a dream he was gonna get arrested. He got arrested the day after for grooming a child following sexual grooming he pleaded guilty so the kidnap charge was dropped. Children services also said that he's been reported by them a few times which has been dropped. About other girls in my school.

6 months later comes out of prison.

It continued except this time he would face fuck me a few times make videos and pictures of me sexually for his own pleasure. Even watch animal porn. When I got scared of horror films he would enjoy the fact I was scared. He would constantly say how I'm screwing everyone. He would say he's gonna kill himself if I leave and because he was already breaking his sex offender order he was really like glue that I would stay by him and keep his secret. His brother allowed this relationship from 13-18.

We had such a bad argument once that he wacked me in the throat because he started going through my messages I threatened him that I would go to the police he calmed down after that.

Then because I kept coming and going he decides to tell me he thinks he has cancer and how he could die because he doesn't feel right and how he needs me to make him feel better.

Then by the time I was 18. I just couldn't anymore so I found someone else and he stayed by me so the abuser would back off. It was the only option he found out we slept together so he hacked my Facebook told everyone I'm a whore and took about 20 of my friends away. And said he slept with me when I was 16 and how if I say anything I'm a liar. I eventually found the paper work but it was a bit late then.

A month before that I got sexually assaulted on a night out, I kept blacking in and out as I was highly intoxicated and drunk. And my friend at the time said Your going to bed with him I'm not, all I remember was he said you like big dick and showed me a gun and I couldn't go home so I just zoned in and out that's pretty much what I remember. Then I ran out the next morning.

The guy who broke me out of the childhood abuse role played raping me during an argument and said you need to be able to scream, we broke up soon after.

Met a guy online. We had sex I didn't want to do it again so he forcefully tried to anyway he was on top of me trying to get it in I had to literally kick him off me and got away and asked me to see him again.

I've been single for 3 years now.