Was this rape or am I just a little bitch. 😪 (trigger warning)

So like there was this guy that Ive always had the biggest crush on but have always known that he was completely out of my league... so one day I admitted my feelings to him and we started texting and like he asked me to comeover and i said sure but I don't wanna have sex. And he said it Was fine and I said it so many times just to be sure... after all I was a virgin and just wasn't ready. When I got there we kinda watched a movie and he started to touch me and shit and I panicked and was like "I really don't wanna have sex" and he was like "I don't need to fuck you to make you cum" and I thought it was so sweet that he was ok that I didn't wanna have sex with him I guess. And then like I returned the favor So like i didnt feel obligated to do more and After he kinda got over top of me and rubbed his dick on me i guess. And he was like "i Know you don't wanna have sex but I really wanna have sex with you" and I was like "I just don't wanna do it.." and he kinda started to try to put it in and I panicked and made up an excuse that I wasn't on birth control... and still over top of me he reached over and put a condom on and he just... fucked me i guess. I remember I was trying to pull away but he was just bashing me into the headboard the whole time... and fuck the worst part is before I left I just awkwardly said "thank you" because for some stupid reason I wanted to convince myself that what he did was okay v-v it's been a couple months now and I don't go a day without thinking about it. I avoid everything in life now and don't even leave my room often because I'm just scared of everything. I often see things and hear voices and nothing goes away /-\ its probably just from lack of sleep but I just feel like I have no right to say it was rape because I feel like it was my fault because my slutty ass did anything in the first place. I guess I just need a second opinion...

(Reading these comments actually have me in tears because Ive never had the courage to tell anyone about this)

And I'm scared to tell the police because I know they won't even care that he actually raped me and they'll just said it Was because I was a minor and consider rape just because of that... and I'll just look like the bitch who can't keep her mouth shut i guess

And at the end of the day, more people would take his side than mine