Miscarriage and jealousy

I’m almost 33 and my husband and I are having our first pregnancy together.

It’s a miscarriage.

The hardest thing about this is my jealousy. My husband has a wonderful 12 year old son from an accidental pregnancy. They were never married, never even really dated. She ended up with another accidental pregnancy with a different person a few years later (my stepson’s brother).

I don’t have a logical reason to be jealous. They broke up 12 years ago and never got back together. I love my stepson with all my heart and he has always been so good to me. My husband and his ex don’t have a cordial relationship, but they are able to coordinate just fine and she has never tried to win him back or interfere with our relationship.

But I am heartbroken. I am so jealous that I was always so careful with protection and now when I’m finally trying, I miscarried. That she was able to two healthy kids completely from accident both times. I’ve always wanted kids of my own, I just wanted to wait until I was able to provide for them. Now I worry I waited too long.

Most of all, I’m jealous that my husband’s ex shares something so special with him that I may never get to.

Don’t worry, I will continue to be a great stepmom. I’m just sad, too.