I secretly love to be...

I secretly love to be choked and slapped during sex.. but everyone I’ve ever had sex with weren’t comfortable doing it. I’m also very submissive which has always made a lot of people think I’m a weak person. I’m not weak though... sometimes the men in my life make me feel that way and every man in my life has always put me down for being bigger physically that what they like. Telling me they could do better but then why are they with me? Why do they make me want to just end it all?