I don't really talk about this much. My boyfriend doesn't like to hear it when I try to talk about it. 3 years ago I started college. Everyone in my class was in a relationship and I was the only one that was single and I felt pretty left out so I turned to online dating. On there i met this guy who was in prison but was expected to get out soon. We  talked a little and when he got out we met. At first he seemed perfect. He was so good looking and so sweet. We started dating and eventually I. moved in with him and his mom. I'm not exactly sure how long it was before he started hitting me. One night we got into an argument and I got in his face and told him I wasn't scared of him. He threw me on the bed and said I'll make you scared of me and started choking me. That's where it all began. I instantly hated him but I stayed. This guy choked me more times than I can remember. He tried hitting me in my kidney and almost broke my elbow from blocking it. He raped me in the butt. He watched me use the bathroom and made me take showers with him. He made me get out of my own car and walk more than a mile in the snow. One night he got into a fight with his mom and she kicked us out. Apparently I wasn't acting like I cared enough so he bashed my head against the steering wheel. Screamed on the top his lungs that I didn't love him anymore. If you have ever been in a car and heard someone scream it's terrifying. Another time he caught me talking to a girl walking out of work and on the way home drove around a hotel parking lot punching me in my chest. Every day I begged God to just take me away. I begged him to just let him kill me. I've never felt so alone than I did with him. After 5 months I got away. I am so thankful that I made it through that but it's been three years and I still think about it daily. I hear a song or see something on TV and get flashbacks. I have panic attacks.  When I talk about it I feel like people think I'm making it up or they just don't really care. I also wonder why me? Why did God make me go through that.  I don't feel stronger now. I feel weak. I feel like the pattern in my relationships are the same in different forms. Him? He has a new baby and apparently hasn't hit anyone after me. How is that fair? Did I really deserve that?