Other than my therapist no one knows the truth. I just want to vent.

The first time I can remember I was 3 and I was thirsty but my “dad” didn’t care. He was a drunk and decided to give me beer because that’s all he ever had. Later that night I was getting ready for bed when he took me to the bathroom and undressed me along with himself. I only remember him touching me and making me touch him. This was a repeat occurrence until I was 5-6. Then one night when he couldn’t afford the drugs he wanted he “gave me” to the man who brought him drugs. I was locked in a bathroom with a stranger who hit me and literally tore my pants off of me. I got out of the room somehow and ran as fast as I could but there were dogs that didn’t like children. They chased me and attacked me and unfortunately one dog bite me severely in my lower region. Breaking the skin and tearing me open from thigh to thigh. My sperm donor was so embarrassed he choked me until I passed out and then I woke up the next day being told that no one could know I got hurt or the next time he took me back to my moms he’d kill her new husband (my stepdad who is the only father I acknowledge). The last time I can recall I was 7 and it was Christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a>. He was staying at our house so he could celebrate with my older sister brother and I. He came into my room and got in my bed. Covered my mouth and told me this is how dads show their love to little girls.

A few months later and my older sister in high school at the time had a diary. A diary that my mom had found and from that day on my dad was arrested for abusing her. The court officials and doctors said there was no proof of abuse for me so he was only charged for what he did to her. He was sentenced to 15-20 years. Possibility of early parole.

Through the trial I was the glue of my family. I learned to cook to help my mom who was sick and focused on getting my sister help. I cleaned. I learned how to do laundry. My mom and stepdad told me they couldn’t have made it through life without me. I never had friends and I was terrified of any male teachers or doctors or anyone other than my stepdad or brother. I’d have panic attacks anytime someone I didn’t know touched me. But I learned to cope. Never had an interest in boys.

And then high school came around. I was the odd one out. I just wanted a friend. It was senior year and I met a guy and became best friends with him. After thanksgiving he asked me out. I was scared but I said yes because I knew I couldn’t assume every man would hurt me. He was amazing. A gentleman at first. And then New Years came around. My family had a party and his mom asked for him to spend the night at our house because she was out of town. He was in another room. But of course we were young and stayed up past everyone else talking. After we said goodnight he came to my room to tuck me in and give me a kiss goodnight (his words). But one kiss turned into him grabbing my hair and kissing my neck putting his hands on my breasts and down my pants. I asked him to stop. I cried. I tried to scream but couldn’t. He said he just wanted to cuddle. Then he started to choke me and force himself inside. Afterwards he told me he loved me and that I made his first time special. The next day I pretended it was a nightmare. Then he started finding excuses to come over or stay the night because he had issues with his family. My parents thought he was the perfect gentleman so they allowed him over whenever. They didn’t know what happened behind closed doors. I tried to tell my mom more than once but she got sick with lupus and diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer on Valentine’s Day. He apologized and didn’t touch me for a while. And then he said he needed sex and if I didn’t give it to him someone else will. I told him he should leave and he threw me against the wall. He told me no one would ever want me or love. I was lucky to have him. He started hitting me. Choking me. And once again forced himself on me. I was always very petite and weak. I am only 4’7 and 90lbs. I couldn’t fight him off.

I tried to leave the next day but he got angry and abusive. He threatened my family. He showed me guns and knives he had. I was terrified so I stayed. It took me two years to get away. I tried to file a report but he had ties to law enforcement. I tried to get a restraining order and even with proof the judge denied me because she said “you’re young and naive and you shouldn’t have stayed”.

I was in a relationship after that where I begged for his attention because I didn’t know I was worth someone caring. He never hit me but he always told me how ugly I was or how short and gross I was. He told me if he didn’t want me no one else would either. And he didn’t even know about my history of abuse. He just knew I was assaulted in high school. He told me I was worthless and should kill myself.

I am now 21. Engaged. And have a baby on the way. I’ve battled with depression and ptsd and still do. I’ve overcome an eating disorder. I’ve survived my attempts at suicide.

I still can’t look in a mirror for more than a second because I hate to see the scars of the past but everyday I work towards caring for myself. I’m trying to learn how to love the person with the pain instead of burying it and believing I’m nothing.

I want a better future for my child. For myself.

For anyone who has a #metoo story I’m sorry for what you’ve experienced but you are strong and wonderful and brave. You are worth the world