The boy who made me feel alive

heres your weekend dose of gooey, mushy sadness on glow. I had a friend in high-school, a guy friend. I really believe some people just come into your life and leave a mark forever, to make you see life differently.

My friends always leave, not like they leave because they don't like me anymore or something. I swear to god I'm doomed to make friends that move away. Anytime I'd form a bond with someone, they would be gone. Now I have issues making friendships-blah blah.

Not this one though. First guy friend I had that was simply just a friend. It was pure friendship. He was my best friend. There was nothing romantic there. I don't even know how we became friends. I just sat by him at lunch one day and awkwardly said "hey" and then we couldn't stop talking. Then he was always sitting by me, telling me about his favorite comic books.

We would go on what others would see as dates but they weren't. We went to the fair, explored the city. Long rides to nowhere in the middle of the night. We never even held hands. We talked for hours, the most prominent memory is the Ferris wheel that I forced him to go on, i love them and he had a fear and I grabbed his arm and tugged and said "you only get to be alive once" and him holding onto the pole in the middle and saying "oh my god" and laughing hysterically like he was being electrocuted. Jumping all over the place and panting like a woman in labor. 😂

I struggled with depression when he was in my life. And escaping with him without the pressure of real life, it made me feel alive.

In those nights I grew as a person. My soul grew. we had so much fun together, laughing. The fact that it wasn't a relationship made it that much better and i can't explain why. We even talked about the girls he liked and all that. I am the one who encouraged him to ask his crush on a date. I was so happy when he did. He was the reason I didn't turn into dust in those days, the reason I started to mentally heal. It was the most broken I have ever been and there wasn't even a reason as to why.

One thing I didn't know, was that he struggled with the same demons I did but, Much stronger, darker demons. We never talked about that. I wish we would have. But that wasn't the focus of our nights. We wanted to have fun.

We drifted apart, I got a boyfriend. He got a girlfriend. We kept in touch, it wasn't like a bad thing. People just grow up and move forward. People get into relationships, graduate highschool and get jobs. He was going to college. He moved-of course he did.

Then one day, he's just gone. No warning. No sign. He committed suicide. I don't know how, or exactly why. I DONT want to know.

For a while my heart just hurt. Im selfish as hell and i resented him for killing himself. He has a little sister, a family that loved him. I know it's wrong, I know it's stupid. My pain over his death is nothing compared to the gaping hole he left in his family. Why didn't I call him? Why didn't I invite him over and tell him about all the boring nothingness of my life just to be a person in his life for him?

It's been years. And i think about all our nights getting drunk underage and running around like wild heathens just to feel alive.

He helped me when my life was dark, unknowingly and I should have repaid that debt.

But sometimes, I feel him. Not his presence or whatever but i feel him in the memories of him, when something reminds me of him. A smell, or a familiar night out. When I'm driving at night in the city. When it's the weekend and I'm staring at the sunset with the person I love, letting my worries fade for a day. He's what I think about.

I wish I could have thanked him.

I wish I could have told him, there is so much good in life, and so much life to find and see it. I'll remember him forever, in every friendship.

I'll be an old ass loon one day looking into the sunset remembering him, wondering if when I'll die I'll get to see him again. I hope wherever he is, whether its ghost life or some kind of weird nirvana that his soul is at solid peace. And that he knows I care about him even in death, that I remember him everyday. And that I'm not bitter with him anymore.

National suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Link to their online chat- http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx