So this is my fourth pregnancy. My first daughter was born in December of 2014 via emergency C-section. I was able to breastfeed her for four months, but after that I started drying up and not producing enough for her to eat. I tried just supplementing with formula at first but I couldn't pump enough even though I tried all the time.

I got pregnant right after I stopped breastfeeding, so at 4 months postpartum. I ended up miscarrying at 12 weeks.

My third pregnancy I had another girl via planned c-section October 2016. She would not latch at all! They tried everything in the hospital to get her to latch. Nurses and lactation consultants pulled at my nipples and my baby's mouth. She would always latch wrong and it would hurt so bad. I would try to reposition her and she would just scream so much she wouldn't even try to relatch. I was trying to feed her 24/7 so I never got to sleep. They even brought in a social worker because they thought I was seriously depressed (which I was getting there). Finally I got a different nurse who strongly suggested I try supplementing with formula, and I begrudgingly agreed. She was little and losing weight quickly. She drank from the bottle perfectly fine and we both finally got some sleep. Once again we tried pumping and feeding her with a bottle but I just couldn't keep up, since I had never really fed her, my milk started drying up quickly. She ended up being colicky for 4 months. Every time she screamed I felt like it was my fault for not being able to breastfeed.

Now I'm pregnant again and I'm so scared of going through this again, so much so I'm considering just formula feeding right off the bat. I'm tired of hearing that I didn't try hard enough, that I just wanted to take the easy way out, that I was thinking of myself and not my baby. My sister in law had a baby 5 months after my last, and has no problem breastfeeding. Every time she's whip her boob out to feed him, it would kill me. Her son is bigger that my daughter, they're 7 months and 1 year old respectively.

Why is this so hard for me? I started leaking colostrum at 15 weeks each time, which I thought was a good sign. I have big boobs, DDDs, and I couldn't feed my oldest without a pillow in my lap and a hand under my boob to hold it out of her face. They were both checked for tongue and lip ties and they don't have either. Am I bad mom for not trying hard enough?