The scale is an enemy

So officially 1dpo on month 4 tcc. On one hand I really hope it's the month and on the other when I look in the mirror I'm like wtf. I've been on and off the Keto diet for 5 years, lost 50 pounds last year went fro 263 down to 208 this may. Then vacation happened now I'm bobbing between 224 and 230ish. So close to the 100's I could taste it and fucked it up. Can't help but think what if I hadn't enjoyed it so much I wouldn't be having these issues which starts the depression eating cycle all over again. I hate the mirror and the scale... starting back on the diet this week... hope I don't fuck up...