I know I’m going to get a lot of hate for this. I’m prepared.

*BACKSTORY. LONG*

I was 17 when I had my first daughter, and got married. We had our problems, he was a liar and a cheater, but at the end of the day.. he was a great guy. Stupid me, thought he would change in marriage. I left all my family and friends shortly after and moved away with him. We got a nice house, and started our life together. 2 months after marriage.. he was cheating again. Telling her he loved her and wished he never met me. I forgave it. A month later he was talking to the man who raped me and being buddy buddy with him. The next fees months go by.. we are happy. I’m now 20 weeks pregnant with our second. There’s a lot of complications, I’m on strict bedrest, so he’s stuck with a lot of work. I went through a period of depression, I wanted to die. I told him and he started screaming at me telling me I’d go to hell. That’s when it really starts. Every day from then his anger got worse. The screaming, punching walls.. I was terrified. He didn’t care. He’d push me, make me do things when I wasn’t even supposed to push a vacuum. At 24 weeks I went into labor, woke him up to tell him, I can’t drive, he doesn’t let me get my license. He says “wake me up in a few hours” “your fine” so I cry. I’m in pain. For hours.. he finally wakes up at 9:30am, I’m bleeding (it was normal) and I feel her head. At 10am she was born in the car, barely breathing. He opened my door causing all the cold winter air to come in an she immediately stopped breathing. The 911 operates told him do not do that. She needs to be warm. She died in my arms. For the next 6 months it only got worse. He never showed emotion. Told me to get out and kill myself. I can go on forever... I feel stuck. I’m in a different state, I don’t even have a family anymore. No license, no car, no job. All because of him. Next week is our stillborns first birthday. He doesn’t care.

I met a guy online, wasn’t looking for anything we just crossed paths. Within days I was falling in love. He lives a few states over but we frequently videochat and talk. My god he makes me wonder if I was ever in love with my husband. He treats me right. He is the most amazing guy in the world. I’ve videochatted with his brothers and friends too. Even his ex messaged me on Facebook to tell me that she’s really happy and he’s an amazing guy and I’m lucky. (She’s dating his friend now and they are all friends) it’s only been a few weeks and I know in my heart he’s the one I need to be with.

My husband has no idea. I’m cheating on him. But just last month he was kissing a girl he met that day.. I feel horrible. I want out. I tell him I want a divorce but he won’t. Whenever I say I’m going out to look for a job or something he screams at me in front of our daughter, he scares me. I don’t know how to get out of here. He says he won’t let me move states because I can’t take our daughter. We are in the middle of nowhere, no buses nearby, no Uber’s or taxis.. not that I could afford it anyways. I have no money, it’s all his. He makes me feel worthless but I have no one. I need help. I need out of this. I need to move and get my life together. I need to set an example for my daughter. I want to be with the other guy. He calls me his girlfriend, I call him mine.. but I know technically that’s not right. Because Im married. He took off work to stay up until 5am last night because I wanted to kill myself, because I’m a horrible person for being in love with him and being married. Because I’m doing this. He cried saying he couldn’t lose me.

I need advice. Go ahead and bash me if you want but please know that I put up with this for 5 years before I even thought about cheating. Even then I didn’t.. it just happened. But I need advice on how to get out, this isn’t safe anymore. My daughter is 2 and she screams and gets mad and yells and a lot of it is from being a toddler but a lot of it is from him yelling in front of her. She even hits me because she seen him do it.