I took a test for some odd reason. I knew it was going to be negative but I did in anyways. I said I wasn't going to be disappointed and not to expect anything even though I knew it was going to be negative...I'm sobbing. Idk what to do. I am never going to be a mom. I'm never going to feel a baby kick inside of me. I'm just done. And so depressed about it. The story of my life! Ugh. So many hopes and dreams I would be able to tell my family and my husband I'm expecting. Another disappointment for me and my poor husband who is desperate for a child. I never thought I would be the one in my group that is infertile. Never.

I'm also really sick and tired of people asking when we're starting a family. I cringe a little inside and stutter. I really don't know what to say? "We're waiting for the right time?" Well we don't know that Susan, SO STOP FUCKING ASKING!! "We're working on our business?" MY FUCKING REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM IS BROKEN FOR NO REASON, CAROL! I mean I just don't fucking know anymore!! I'm so fed up with the whole situation and think my doctor was right when she said this isn't going to happen on it's own.

I thought I would be able to eat right and exercise and take my metformin and do yoga and meditate and I would be one of those miracle people that just wakes up pregnant one day. I mean I ovulate most of the time, I temp, I get positive ovulation kits, it's only a matter of time right?? Nope...four years strong and unexplained infertility still got me. I'm throwing the towel in. I'm working on forgetting about it but even when I'm not thinking about it there's this mom voice in the back of my head that won't shut up. Every month she's like, "Bitch, this could be it!!" And I'm like, "Nah, it's. Never. Going. To. Happen." And then I get hopeful and t all goes to shit, and I lose my mind for some time and act like a lunatic. Then I jump back up onto the rollercoaster from rock bottom and go zen again for like 20-ish days or so till it's time to crash again. Whatever. I just need to give zero fucks and have to train myself I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Sorry, I know it's really negative post but I've just lost hope tbh. And about to lost my shit soon and had to vent. This will probably get zero responses and I feel guilty sending this negativity into the universe, if that's even a thing. I used to like to think it was but with my luck I'm really not so sure. Hopefully my mood turns around.

I just want to let anyone else out there that's going through the same thing I'm really very truly sorry. I never realized it would be so exhausting and draining and I'm rooting for all you ladies in the same boat, and any boat really.

That was quite a monologue. Thanks for reading if you got this far, literally none of my many mom friends has dealt with this and I needed someone else to talk to. I'm really done now.