Advice? Too anxious

I’m posting this anonymously because I’m too nervous to use my actual profile since it has my name on it and stuff. I’m sorry if this gets long or triggering or detailed, so here’s a warning.

Well on Wednesday night I think I was possibly raped? I went over to this guys house consensually and knew we were going to have sex, and it ended up being a threesome with him and another woman.

I was a bit hesitant but I started doing what he wanted and participating since I knew he didn’t like it if I said no.

He used the idea of BDSM and said since I was his submissive he wouldn’t be pleased if I said no since I had to please him or else he would find another submissive. I had asked him during a prior convo if we could use a safe word then because something would eventually come up that I didn’t want to do, and he said: “You can just say no. I won’t like it though.” or something along those lines.

But anyway, back to Wednesday.

Eventually he wanted me to give him another blow job (we had already had some sex up until this and he had with the other woman as well), and he was really into rough blow jobs where he wants to shove himself so far down your throat you gag and throw up and he enjoys it.

He went so far down and held himself in my throat to this point where I couldn’t breathe at all. I panicked and tried to push him off of me by pushing on his stomach because I literally couldn’t breathe. He did this twice, and by that point I was crying. I told him no a few times and shook my head and the girl that was with him said “Just so it one more time and Daddy will fuck you again.” (Ugh ew) and I was thinking by this thinking by this point “can this girl just shut up?!”

He then said “just one more time, I won’t do it as long this time” so, still crying I gave in.

We then did some other things but by this point I was not there mentally anymore (but my body kept responding (if you get what I mean) to it even though I just wanted it to stop). I kept crying on and off for the rest of it and they just acted like nothing was wrong.

Then one of the last things that happened was he started having sex with me again, and he was on top, and then all of a sudden he’s choking me. I panicked again and took my hand on his wrist and tried to lift it off of my neck, and then started telling him to stop a few times, but it wasn’t very loud because his hand was around my neck and he finished inside of me really quickly after that.

He then drove me home with the other woman and I didn’t know what to think or what to call this. I just sat crying and ended up going to the hospital Thursday morning and telling them what happened and ended up getting a rape kit done because I didn’t know what to do with this.

I just feel so anxious now. I told my Mom yesterday and my Mom is angry and basically blamed me for going and said if I hadn’t of gone it wouldn’t of happened and said it was my fault. She’s calmed down a bit since I first told her and is now urging me to hand over the kit to the police and report it but I know part of her is still blaming me.

But my main issue now is this has made me so anxious/depressed. I was supposed to work a 12 hour shift today but ended up calling in sick because I’ve just been so anxious. I cried all night last night and tried calling the mental health crisis line but they couldn’t help much. I do see a therapist but my next appointment with her isn’t until the 28th. The SANE nurses that I saw recommended I comtact the sexual assault centre here since they do counselling but even then it would take a week or two for me to get in.

I’m just stressed about work right now. I can’t function with this and my anxiety is awful and I just want to stay in bed. I called in today and slept most of the day, but I still have another 12 hour shift tomorrow. When I called in this morning they asked if I’d feel better enough to come in tomorrow and I said I probably would be but I’m dreading it so much. I also feel bad because I’ve only been at my job for a little over 2 months and am still in my probation period, I don’t want to take 2 days off work even if I could get a doctors note Monday.

I just don’t know what to do and I needed to vent. This was so so long I’m sorry, no one will read this.

Update: Thanks for the responses. 💖

I did manage to get today off work as well and my coworker was pretty nice about it when I called but I still feel bad for calling in another day. I don’t work now though again until the end of the week so I have some time for myself.

I’m still trying to figure out what to do. I go from being anxious to crying and it’s confusing. I’m hoping I can see my therapist sooner if she has a cancellation or go to the sexual assault centre and get in there sooner.

As for reporting it, I’m probably going to talk to my therapist and maybe a lawyer first before I make my final decision. They offer 4 hours of free legal advice to sexual assault victims here and the nurses that I saw at the hospital recommended it if I wasn’t sure what to do and to help me make a decision.

I guess my fear is I will have spent so much time getting a kit done, trying to get SOME evidence and then they can’t do anything. Though I’m leaning towards trying anyway.

Again, thank you guys. 💖💘💕💗