Moving on

When I was 18, the first boyfriend I ever had mentally abused me, lied to me and sexually assaulted me. I am religious and I wanted to save myself until marriage, but there are things I also don’t want to do.

One day he and I where at my house, alone. He has been wanting to finger me for a while now, but every time I said no. That day was different however. He asked me repeatedly but I said no every time, until he just did it. I froze. My body liked it but I wanted it to stop, however I could no find the words. He fingered me a bunch more times but I never agreed to it, and soon i just sort of let it happen to me.

Another day he wanted oral. I am not down for oral at all, and if I were to ever do it, it would be after I was married. But he didn’t care. I had to physically pull him away from me in order to not have him go down on me. I told him no then too.

I am in counseling now because I just now figured out that I was assaulted. I am

20 years old now and because of this relationship I had, it is affect my ability to be willing to the idea of being in another relationship. Every time I think about kissing someone, or making out with them, I get flash back to those eyes. The feeling also return. I then feel vulnerable, powerless and my voice is gone. He tried like hell to get what he wanted form me, and I am slowly realizing that he never cared about me. I am okay with going to second base, but only if we are dating. Technically, my ex and I were never dating. He never called me his girlfriend but he treated me like one. I gave him pieces of myself I wanted to keep, and now I can never get those back.

I am slowly healing but I want to hear from other survivors.

How were you able to trust someone again and be in a relationship?

What else did you do to heal?

How did you figure out all of your emotions? I am literally so confused about the whole thing and about guys that I like.

Are you scared it’s going to happen again?