How do you deal?

Question

I lost my son Colton on February 16, 2017 at 20 weeks and never found out what happened. Unexpectedly we got pregnant about a month or so later. I’m currently 33+3 with our rainbow baby, another boy💙 I’m just curious how other mommies went about answering the “is this your first?” question. I feel like if I say yes then I’m denying my first born but if I say no then I have to explain the worst day of my life to a stranger. I know it’s an innocent question and people’s curiosity gets the best of them but I swear every time I get that question I get a knot in my stomach and feel like crying.

Answer

I am 36+2 with my daughter, but I also have a boy.
I lost my son at 20 wks last December due to cervical complications. He will always be my first, and if someone asks...I always say that that I have 2 kiddos. I always felt that I would feel guilty if I never mention him, because he was here and he was a little baby and he was mine. I held him and counted ten fingers and ten toes, two eyes and a little nose. 
When someone asks, I say I have two. Don’t have to go into details unless the occasion calls and if I see fit.
I still feel heartbroken every time I am asked, but I would feel even sadder if I never mentioned him at all.
Hugs! ❤️

Answer

We loss our son 3 days after he was born due to cord accident last January its actually his 10th month today...a new neighbor moved in they have 3 kids the youngest is 7 mos old. She asked me if i have any I answered I had one. I know its a conversation stopper but I can't say NO I dont have any because I know I would be really guilty as soon as I go back in my house denying my son. Now that we are trying again I always say our 2nd baby.

Answer

We delivered our daughter at 25w on 07/06/16 & she was stillborn.  We found out that we were pregnant again on Halloween last year. My twins came via cesarean at 36w4d on 06/14/17...when asked are they my first, I always mention Wynter. She is my first & I know deep in my heart that she played a role (from heaven) in making sure that they made it here safely. I will always acknowledge her...at first it was difficult, but now I it just flows.

Answer

I say it's my first. But if it's someone I feel ok sharing with I'll say it's my first full-term. People tend to understand what that means and don't poke around. There's no need to make a big deal of it. Sometimes you get some very supportive words/stories when you share only that much.

Answer

I have really found that with healing from my own stillbirth it helps to acknowledge my baby girl that died in June. The odd time when a complete stranger asks, I lie. But you know what, when we lie we are sparing THEIR discomfort. Not ours.
Imagine how WE feel having lost a child!! I tell people I had a baby but she didn't make it. It may make some situations awkward, but she was mine and she existed and she lived for a minute. I'm not going to lie.

Answer

I tell people I have 2, my stepdaughter who's Egg Donor left and my son (Eric) who I miscarried. I have both of their names tattooed on each forearm and I've had men ask "What if it doesn't work out with Eric?" "Who's Eric? How long have y'all been together?" etc. To the ones who are trying to be an a** about an opposite sex name being tattooed on me, I just reply "Well it didn't work out since he's dead and was my son." shuts them up quick. There's always that burn in my throat though when I say things like that. I have a rainbow baby on the way so this Lil Bean is my #3 💜

Answer

If it’s a complete stranger, you could always say it’s your second and leave it at that. If they are a stranger they will just accept that answer and leave it at that. If it’s someone like an acquaintance you could say it’s your first so not I be asked questions?

Answer

I understand. I'm 37 weeks, after having a stillbirth February 1st 2017 at 24 weeks. people that are close to me already know about our loss, so I don't have to explain... but it a stranger asks I generally just said that this is my first instead of going into it.

Answer

I understand partially. I have been pregnant eight times and I have four living children (as long as baby girl makes it out ok in a few weeks). I lost four separate pregnancies and a twin with this one. Talking to the nurse when I got pregnant who was doing my intake was awkward explaining I had been pregnant eight times but only had three children. I have seen the same dr office for all but one so I don’t understand why they don’t have all of this in their records and why they make me go through it over and over and over again.... I don’t explain about my losses with strangers. It’s none of their business and our close family know. That’s all that matters. No one will value your children like you will do there is no need to explain to them. They will just go on with their day and forget anyways but you will always remember and that’s what counts. 💕

Answer

I lost my daughter 3 years ago at 22 weeks, and it was also unexplained. They had a few ideas of what may have happened, but were never able to confirm. Now I am 38 weeks pregnant with my son, and when I get asked if it’s my first, I say yes because he will be my first born but I say that this is my second pregnancy to my doctors. I guess I do this because I typically don’t like getting asked personal questions about what happened, especially since I don’t know. My close friends and family already know and acknowledge that this isn’t my first child per say, but this will be my first child that I get to take home and raise.
I would say this is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong, but more a matter of what makes you feel most comfortable in social situations regarding the topic. I understand feeling like maybe you are dismissing the fact that your first existed, but you’re not. You’re just protecting your own heart at the moment and that is perfectly okay. Everyone close to you knows of your baby’s existence and none of you will ever not honor that. Sometimes we just don’t wish to share those memories and feelings with people we don’t know well. That is normal. 
And I am so sorry for you loss. I know it’s the worst feeling. But congratulations on your pregnancy. I wish you all the best 💕

How do you deal?

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