I had a miscarriage about two weeks ago, the worst part is I can't stop blaming myself. I know it wasn't my fault and I know there was nothing I could do, but I had no idea for a month that my beautiful little mayflower was gone. I had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks everything was going great. Two weeks ago i had some spotting so I went to the er, I get an ultrasound only to find out days after my first ultrasound my baby had stopped growing and their beautiful little heart had stopped beating. My son sylas was devastated at first, he had no idea why he wasn't getting his any brother or sister anymore. My heart broke even more. Telling him was the hardest part, at first. Now the hardest part is realizing soon I should start getting my bump, soon I'll have to face my huge family during the holidays (so far I've avoided talking to them). I don't know if I can handle Christmas with my 8 brothers and sisters avoiding eye contact, trying not to mention anything that had to do with it. My brother paul trying to make me laugh, my other brothers not knowing what to say, my 3 sisters doing as they do normally while my sister in law gives me sad faces. How do i face them with my personality of trying to bury it deep inside of me? How do I not break down in tears every day for the next nine months because nothing is happening in my body, what do I do come may when my sweet baby isn't born? How will I ever be able to not be scared of this happening again, how will I ever know if I'm ready to try again, will I ever be ready? Will my husband be okay? Is it okay that I'm more worried about myself? There are just so many questions going through my head every day but not a soul to talk to. My husband hates the topic, I hate talking to my family, my son is three and doesn't understand, my friends are uncomfortable about it, I just have so much bottled up I can't stand it.