I want to leave him (long)


*Before I even get started please don't be so quick to hit me with the "he's just a guy" "he's just young give it time" bs ☹️.

So here is my problem. My husband and I got married at just 18 and 20. Before we were even married a year I got pregnant with our baby boy. At 32 weeks I was admitted to the hospital with preeclampsia and my baby was born. Our baby spent 33 days in the nicu as a feeder grower. And let me tell you, I know we got incredibly lucky that he was over all healthy and a lot of women/babies have it worse but still it was THE HARDEST THING IVE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH. Leaving my son at the hospital day in and day out, having to come home alone and pump, couldn't sleep, or eat. NOTHING. My whole life was chaos, I was in the nicu with my baby every chance I got, I was by his side...my husband..not so much. Since I gave birth via c section he got to do EVERYTHING before me, change the first diaper, hold him first, talk to him first, etc. he was in love. With in days he completely showed 0 interest in being a father, he would complain that in the nicu the nurses favored me when it came to taking care of the baby so I would decline kangaroo time and offer it to him, he did it once and every time after that declined, our baby is a boy (every mans dream!) and was born on my husbands BIRTHDAY, he got to take care of him before I COULD, what more could he possibly freakin want! I would have to pull teeth just to get him to come visit His son, and when he did we would only be there an hr or two before he was complaining he was tired and would have an attitude, which is ridiculous bc we would get home and he would sit right on the couch and watch sports! Laughing it up Over the phone with his brother! Or his father that came to visit for whatever reason, I love his dad but he was more in the way than any help to us. He came for his son, who didn't even need any help or support as much as I did, it pained me to see him getting the support that I SO DESPERATELY NEEDED but couldn't get, not even from him. We have no family here where we live it's just us...he ruined my day every time so I started going to visit our son with out him, not like he wanted to go anyway, with every excuse under the sun n, I asked him why he was that way, no explanation other than "he didn't feel important to the babies needs" even after I tried so hard to get him more involved and cheer him on when he did things right or learned something new about taking care of the baby...I find it ironic how that was his problem yet now he has the chance to step up but won't unless I ask and has the nerve to have an attitude about it....Not once did he ever hug me when I cried alone in the living room about our baby, never tried to make me feel better NOTHING, only time he ever would Act like he cared about me or the baby is when his friends came over to the nicu to visit..it made me sick to my stomach how he could turn the switch on and off like that just for show..never was caring to me when I was pregnant! Even hit up an old fling! But that's a whole other story. Just days after my c section we had to grocery shop and I could barely walk, we walked across the parking lot and he LEFT ME crossing the cross walk. I asked him why he was walking so fast and he replies "well I don't wanna get hit by a car" but leaves me in the middle of the road barely able to walk...didn't even help me into the car that day either ..when we got home I needed a lot of help getting up, had to pump every 3 hours to keep my milk up, so i need lots of help, every time I would ask I got huffs and puffs and attitude! To the point where I just stopped asking for help and had to fight the pain to just do things on my own. Which I hate because now 2 1/2 months later I have A LOT of pain in my incision sight, With my baby in the nicu and no help from him I never even got to go to my follow up appointment to make sure everything has been healing ok or if my BP was back to normal. I haven't seen a doctor since being discharged..the day came when it was finally time to take our baby boy home and we roomed in the hospital the night before, he was extremely RUDE to me the entire first night of taking care of OUR SON. Not to mention it was our 1 yr anniversary, well our baby is home a month 1/2 and he has not helped me with our baby, I have to raise hell just to get help, I had to stop breast feeding/ pumping for my premiee because it got SO draining, I was getting NO SLEEP, and it was getting dangerous..I barely do now, My son is extremely needy, most days I'm not even able to eat, my "husband" comes home and goes straight to the room and watches sports or goes straight to sleep. never asks how I am, or if I need any help, doesn't come see the baby, thanksgiving was yesterday and our doc advised our premiee not be around children or crowded areas for a while especially in RSV season. His friends invite us to have thanksgiving dinner with them but like I mentioned above I couldn't bring our baby boy..so after working a full 24 hr shift at work and on only 2-3 hrs of sleep he goes and leaves my son and I at home alone and spends the entire thanksgiving day with his two friends and their wives and children...not to mention he's got us in so much financial debt it isn't even funny, so we tried fixing it, even his parents got involved, this BOY goes and gets a credit card we agreed would ONLY be for emergencies and he goes Black Friday shopping with it and buys himself a brand new TV and PS4 that at first he tried to hide from me and has been in our room playing with it ever since he got home at 12am last night! (Just another thing to keep him in that stupid room. While I'm out here in the living room taking care of our baby) Now he's the only one who works, but I WORK too, to take care of our son 24/7 and I DON'T get paid for it, he gets a full 8-9 hrs of sleep, he gets to have a lunch break, he gets to go home at the end of the day. I DON'T and on top of that I'm doing school online. My husband has never done anything romantic or sweet for me, every holiday we've spent together I have been the one to buy him a gift or do something special, never the other way around, gave my dream up to be with him, betrayed my family to be with him, moved across the country to be with him, Gave him sex when he wanted it, massages everyday after work, he wouldn't even give me one when I was pregnant! With out half assing it and giving attitude, always had dinner waiting for him. And this is what I get...at this very moment I haven't been talking to him and he senses something is wrong he went on my social media and saw a post I shared about "being careful about who you start a family with" he got up and did the dishes, and is out here trying to be a kiss ass, acting like he's cleaning up the house, I know what he's freakin doing, he never does this, and when he does he does it to make it seem like he cares...but I won't last long..he thinks that's going to fix it but it's so much more than the dirty dishes I wish I could get to clean but can't. And he KNOWS THIS. He's just trying to have something to say he did when I confront him about how shitty he's being. He always does this when things get BAD, he waits until things get to be at their worst to step up and I'm sick of the ass kissing bit. And it NEVER LASTS LONG, after I forgive HE forgets and goes back to his old ways, if I don't stay on his ass about it, nothing changes and when I do he says I'm bitching or I'm being controlling... We've talked about it time and time again and he just gets worse and worse. I'm so sick of it...yeah he's young but I didn't know that there was an age requirement for showing the people that you care about that you truly care about their well being at least...

Or that you love them..enough to even ask how they are...like wtf..I'm so drained. I hold so much resentment toward him it's not even funny. Sad to say but there's a possibility he might be getting deployed soon and I'm not even upset about it....am I just being crazy...? Had anyone gone through this and made it? What do I do? I want the BEST for my son, my parents weren't together and I don't want that for him.. but I just don't know how much more I can take