The trial and error child. (Aka your first born.)

There is nothing more terrifying than becoming a mother for the first time. Put completely in control of an actual human that you somehow grew in your womb. The first time you're handed that screaming little pink thing is the first time you will feel actual, genuine fear.

"What on earth do I do with it?" Is one of the first things I thought to myself. The poor little mite was starving, sucking the hands off herself. I was determined to breast feed.. but oh holy screw balls that hurt. I'd never had any experience with this before and I made a right balls of it, I did it all wrong and my nipples were hanging off and I cried and gave up after a few days because this pain just wasn't worth it. Even though just days before I'd birthed a full on baby out of my vag with zero pain relief, feeling like all my insides were going to drop out every time I got out of the birthing pool to be brutally examined, even though I'd just pushed a melon head through my poor lady garden, even though every bone in my body felt like it was being broken. Even though I ached like I was 100 years old.. I just couldn't bear this excruciating pain... She cried, I cried, I shoved a bottle in her starving mouth, then cried again cause I felt that was my first boo boo as a new mother. I felt like the whole world would judge me. They didn't.

She cried a lot, I rocked her, fed her changed her, cuddled her, did everything I could think of and she still cried, all the time.. She shat a lot too, all up her back, right up to her neck, runny green awful shat. That made me gag and cry more. Turns out she was lactose intolerant. Oh.

She hated being put down.. she screamed like a banshee. In the day, in the night, if she wasn't in someone's arms she screamed. She was weeks old and the tiny little scrap had the whole house in an uproar. Everyone was sleep deprived, no one liked each other, it's like when a sh*t storm hits the fan but this was like a sh*t storm caught up in a tornado and said tornado had savaged the whole town!

I was 21 years old, I was a single mum and I had brought hell to the house, my mum, my dad, my brother, my sister they were all walking around like the walking dead, one would put her down she'd mew like a cat and like clockwork another human would walk in the room and pick her back up. It got that bad boo boo number to happened... I put her in my bed with me, we all needed sleep and that was the only way anyone was getting any!

I have no qualms with co-sleepers at all! But I totally envy those who don't have a small human and their dog in their bed!!! I co-slept and 6 fu*king years later she's still here in my bed! I just can't get her out!

As a first time mum I've lost count of the amount of times I've cried, I've lost count of the amount of times I've laughed, I've lost count of the times I've changed a nappy, made a bottle, had a sleepless night, I've lost count of how many times I've lost my mind, I have lost count of how many MISTAKES I've made! I accidentally nipped her putting on her hat when she was days old, I accidentally nicked her finger trimming a nail, I accidentally burnt her with a bottle or food, I've accidentally forgot to give her a bottle, I've accidentally on purpose pretended not to hear the word 'MUM!' Lots of times... And guess what? She's still alive.

She's thriving, loving, well mannered, sure she's got some bad habits and a stinking attitude cause I've let her away with murder but she's freaking awesome!! She’s also made an AMAZING big sister!!! So what I'm saying is don't worry, keep going cause we all make mistakes, even those awesome yoga mums who seem to make motherhood look like a breeze, even those mums make mistakes! Just keep being queens and raising wolves and keep making mistakes cause believe it or not.... YOU'RE HUMAN!

~Mother to a wild child.~