i hate being a girl, i want my uterus out!

I absolutely HATE being a female, not because I want to be a guy, but simply  because I hate the way our bodies function and what we we're “made” for, baby making. And quite honestly, I would rather have a full blown hysterectomy, or at least get my tubes tied…. I love kids, but I would be a horrible parent (I'm mentally unstable)/I don't want kids, and my hormones have always messed me up. I've been on almost every birth control there is to control my periods since I was 11, and even now, 11 years later at 22 my hormones are more messed up than ever and I don't even have insurance to help myself. Birth controls always made me violently sick, made me gain a ton of weight and just all around made my life hell. My periods are still very long and very, very heavy...I literally started wearing depends undies with 2 XL overnight pads in it just to prevent bleeding in my seats...er well, the last 5 months my period has been stopping, this past month I was even 3 weeks late, which never happens, I'm literally ALWAYS on time. anyway...it's even gotten to a point where I don't even have sex, at all or cuddle with my SO so he will not touch me and get me pregnant. I've literally stopped enjoying anything in life because I'm female. Condoms have proven to be useless because they just repeatedly break. And it's not like I can just "change brands" I'm allergic to latex and most lubes. yay me. Even my hormones make my weight bounce. When I'm on my period I can gain up to 20lbs in water weight. I know, pretty tremendous amount, but it's true. and it's painful and makes me hate my existence as a woman more. I have even been dieting for the last 3 years and lost 110 lbs, my weight fluctuated like crazy during that time….i even made the mistake of taking a break from dieting for a couple of weeks and gained 15 lbs back, even though I'm still exercising and didn't start eating more or anything bad for me, I should have just maintained my weight…but no, I'm a girl my body doesn't work that way. But even when I lost the weight I workout for 4 hours everyday and practically starved myself so I could lose a normal 10 lbs a month, with good diet and exercise alone I was losing maybe 2 to 5 lbs a month. I Even spoke with my GYNO about this a while back and he simply said "it's just how the female body works. Y'all gain weight faster and easier and it's harder to lose, for child development, even if you're not pregnant your body is always prepping to be.” Again, this only proves my self loathing point.

I know getting tubal ligation or a hysterectomy will throw off my hormones more. But at least I could wake up enjoy life again. I could at least cuddle with my SO again without having to push him away due to the fear if getting pregnant and I won't drown in blood every month. We will hardly even look at each other now because he knows he'll just start getting into the mood and then I'll shut him down and turn away from him. I plan on saving as much money as possible if I can have one of these procedures done. I'm tired of having to set my life and daily plans all around what my stupid female parts want to do. I hate it so much.

I can't even get on a new birth control, as I said previously, I've tried just about all of them and none did me any good. I even tried the hormone free copper IUD and had to have the removed. I developed anemia from bleeding so much while I was on it. As if my periods weren't heavy enough to start with. And to top it off, I don't have insurance anymore so I can't go back for any other kind...even so there wouldn't be anymore for me to try, and you HAVE to get a pap now or birth control isn't even an option or offered to you. I can't afford the exam either. And planned Parenthood is not even half a cheap as they say they are...they are actually one of the most expensive places I have looked into...almost 1000 just for a pap....

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just want this to be over with already. I want to finally have a normal life not run by my uterus.