when I was 21 or so the doctors started telling me I would likely never get pregnant. I had polycystic ovary syndrome. I battled with cysts for 10+ years. Pain almost all the time paired with all the other fun symptoms of the disease. I accepted the fact that I wouldn't get pregnant early on and kind of just put the thought aside.

In 2009 I did genetic testing because my mom and grandmother's on both sides had gotten breast cancer. Odds were I would test positive for a gene mutation, which I did. BRCA2 the gene is called. Anyway, at that point I was young and opted for early detection and exams rather than anything surgical. everything was fine until 2015. Routine mammogram turned to MRI and then biopsy.

if you didn't know, a breast biopsy is kind of like you are being milked like a cow.

It wasn't cancer but the doctors didn't like it. It was a large fibroadenoma and I have multiple other small.masses and very dense breasts. Right then, my doctor from Elizabeth Wende in Rochester recommended mastectomy. I have to be honest, I didn't even think about it much. I knew I had to do it. So I did.

I'll spare you all the gory details of that situation and fast forward to May of this year when I found out I was pregnant.

HOLY SHIT!?!?! HOW!?!?!? New boyfriend. We had been together for THREE MONTHS. IM 33. HES 41. WHAT!? 😍😍😍😍

Obviously freaking excited. This wasn't supposed to be in the cards for me. 💙

Fast forward to when the BREASTFEEDING lectures start. It started with ignorant or just lazy nurses who didn't take the time to read my file. recommending classes for breastfeeding, diet, etc. I VERY politely told them all I couldn't breast feed. They'd tell me how a lot of women think that but that I could. UM NO. I don't have breasts. They'd feel bad and we would move on. It happened at LEAST five times. Then come the women I thought were friends who would mindlessly start telling me how I have to BF. People really love to talk. I'd let people go for a few minutes before cutting them off and reminding them I had a double mastectomy.

I cried a lot. I cant say I regret choosing to have surgery. If I hadn't I might not be here. I may not have gotten a chance to be in love again. To be welcoming a beautiful baby boy any day. I am however, scared for delivery. I just know they will bring it up again. I know I'm going to feel guilty. I know I'm going to feel like I'm missing out on the bonding that comes with feeding your child (so everyone says). I just generally feel pretty sad about it and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. No one to relate to.

33. breastless. milkless. 9 months pregnant. EMOTIONAL AF.