I finally kicked him out

I’m going to make a long story shorter… but It’s still going to be long, so bear with me… for the past five years there have been multiple events and incidents in my relationship that can be constituted as emotional and verbal abuse on the part of my former fiancé. To tell you everything he’s done to abuse me would make this much too long. So I’ll skip all the details of the past. My former fiancé used lots of degrading language and insults as well as mock and belittle me, and constantly threatening to leave, saying my feelings don’t matter, being rude to my friends, saying things like he wishes he never had kids with me, flying off the handle, breaking shit in fits of anger, speaking directly to our toddler about what a bitch I am, etc. We went to counseling and tried to work on it, but apparently it failed. And it finally all came to a head. The week before Thanksgiving, we had a fight and before this I was doing my best to deal with him peacefully just for the sake of my daughter. But I think it just came to a point where I could no longer handle it and I just completely snapped. We had a fight because I was frustrated putting my daughter to bed one night and I told him that it would be easier if just one of us were doing it (since he has a tendency to rile her up before bed). He flew off the handle at me saying I’m trying to prevent him from kissing his kid good night, I’m a bitch and a cunt, he sick of me and he’s leaving me (not the first time he threatened this), I better get my PMS in check, etc.… So before things escalated, I was searching frantically for our house/car keys while he continued to follow me around the house and scream insults in my face, mock me, laugh maniacally at me, etc. I began firing back at his insults and I realize that he had the car keys in his pocket and just wasn’t giving them to me. I don’t know what happened to me, but I saw red and snapped and slapped him right in the face and grabbed the car keys out of his hands and left. That night he was able to convince me that this was all my fault due to my PMS and I came home and he wanted to “make up” And have sex. So I did. Well, later that evening after sex, he completely stonewalled me and said he wasn’t over it and slept on the couch and wouldn’t talk to me. The next day I woke up and he had locked himself in the spare bedroom and made it very clear that he was angry and was not speaking to me. I was just trying to say goodbye before I left for work and hopefully have a better day. I was really hurt and like an idiot I texted him all day long letting him know how hurt I was and even called him a few names, etc.… I was really surprised at how calmly and rationally he was replying to me because that was not like him at all. He was saying things like I’m overreacting, just calm down, I must be remembering things wrong, he never said that or this, etc.… Well, When I came home that night, I snuck into my house and lay down in bed just trying to avoid confrontation. I then overheard him talking to his mother on the phone about what a nutcase lunatic I am and that he was forwarding her all of my messages that I sent. At that point it became very clear to me that I was being gaslighted and that he was trying to look innocent because he was sending my texts to his mom. As you can imagine, I became completely infuriated and told him to pack his shit and leave the house right now. He did and I haven’t seen him since. He came and got the rest of his things while I was not home a few days later. We have an agreement with our daughter, since I cannot keep him from seeing her and now we are attempting to coparent. It’s so new, but I feel a huge weight is lifted off of me. I feel like this is the best thing for everyone involved. I literally could not go one more day with being degraded and disrespected and gaslighted. He has tried to talk to me and I just keep telling him I’m just really hurt and I can’t understand why you could never just love me. And all he can really say is that, “You wanted this!” Because I threw him out of the house. It just hurts so much and I am in a mental state of sadness, but not depression. I’m going to be OK. My anxiety and heart palpitations have magically disappeared since he’s been gone. It is very peaceful in my home with just me and my daughter. I wish I had ended a lot sooner and I have a lot of regrets about that. I feel like he was able to turn me into a toxic person, but I can’t blame him because this must have been in me all along. I feel bad about myself because I would never hit someone or use the type of language that I used with him. It hurts me to know that I became that. I’m healing and getting a little bit better every day, so we will see what the future has in store for me. I know it has to be better than this. I could not let it go on for any longer because my daughter has already seen enough. I feel stupid for letting it go on as long as it did. If you’ve read this really long story, thank you for reading. I appreciate it.