My son is perfect in every way, shape, and form. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I feel like he deserves better than me. We tried exclusive breastfeeding when he was released from the NICU and he fell off his growth curve by a lot (and for a 5lb baby that’s scary). He’s one month old now and I’m not able to produce enough breastmilk for him because I had a breast reduction when I was 18. We’ve been supplementing frozen breast milk and preemie formula that’s more calorie dense but he hates the formula. It kills me that I can’t feed him adequately enough for him to grow and I hate that a decision I made as a teen to improve my own quality of life is hurting him now. I’d do anything to go back and not get it done so I can feed my baby. I’ve been crying about it all day because I’m down to my last 10 bags of frozen breast milk and I had over 30 earlier this week. I’ve been trying to pump and breastfeed and bottle feed and it’s obviously not working because I’m still losing milk instead of adding to my stores.

To top it all off in the course of an hour I messed up twice. I realized we had left him in a poopy diaper for hours and he cried so hard when we changed him and I felt so guilty. Then right after that while I was heating up breastmilk I accidentally touched his bare leg with the bottom of a hot bottle and he cried out in pain.

I feel like I’m failing as his mommy and all I want is for my baby boy to be happy and healthy and I don’t feel like I’m what’s best for him. After 2 miscarriages he’s all I want in the world. I know I’m doing so much wrong 😞

I love him so much it hurts