Now I’m the bad guy 😣

I’ve been with my guy for 4 years now and we are expecting our first bub in 2 months. However we have had on-going sexual problems for about 3 years. Basically my libido is way higher than his (and even more so being pregnant) and he has a history of being uninterested in sex in the past.

I know he does have a sexual appetite though because after we moved in together 3 years ago, I found porn in his iPad history and all through his computer. This ultimately made me feel like a bag of shit because he has me, why would he need porn, especially when he knows he could have sex anytime? We had a massive argument over it and he promised he would stop. I caught him out two more times after that occasion and the last time I kicked him out of the house (temporarily) and he stayed with his male friend for 3 days. I didn’t talk to him during these 3 days, ignored all texts, calls etc. he knew he fucked up. I finally forgave him and he moved back in promising that he wouldn’t do this again.

It’s been years since then and it seems like he has stuck to his word.. our sex life continued to be rocky though. We recently had another argument over the lack of sex we have and since then things have gotten better. He does still worry about his own needs a bit more than mine (gets blowjobs but never returns the favour, does not ‘warm me up’ in any way) but I’m just appreciating the sex at the moment rather than worrying about the other things (myself).

But now I’m the asshole.. we had a dry-spell about 3 months ago (before the argument and sex) I was sick of having the same argument about lack of sex so I took it upon myself to take care of my sexual needs behind his back for the first time in our relationship. So I’m now the one touching myself and watching porn behind his back and I feel horrible! We have had frequent sex lately but I’ve developed an addiction behind his back and I have no idea how to stop.. any advice on how to overcome a porn / masterbation addiction? (Please don’t say ‘go to a therapist’ because it’s not an option)

** Edit: I should probably mention as well that if I don’t cum during sex, he does take care of this after. He isn’t a bad partner and other than the sex problems we have had, we are pretty solid. I don’t plan on leaving him as we are in love and expecting a baby girl, I just want to overcome this addiction I have formed so I’m not the biggest hypocrite ever :(