...it’s not my baby.

And I am hard core struggling.

Story:

My boyfriend and other male roommate and I were talking about how long to renew our lease for because we like the place, rent is cheap, why move? I’m at work, but I’m able to talk to my bf and think the full year would be great.

I come home and am shot with “So, we should do 8 months” as soon as I walk in. Ok? I’ll listen. Then comes the why: my roommate has a friend that he thinks will also be good to join our party. It’ll be great, they say: we could get a house and then there is more room, a garage, and space for our dogs to run in a back yard!

What’s the catch?

This friend’s girlfriend is having a baby soon and isn’t that *wonderful* there will be a baby in the house! We can help the couple take care of it! And I listened to how excited my boyfriend was to show off his baby skills...on a baby that’s not ours. And I was so torn. I loved seeing him so excited for a baby...but I want it to be for my baby, out baby. He thought it would be a great way to quell the baby fever.

NO. If anything, I unquenchably want a baby now with no baby nearby, I will double or triple that desire with one near (at least).

And the thought HURTS. I would have to do all the work for the baby with none of the benefits. Sure, I’d get to spend time, but I’d have to be a babysitter, clean diapers, and feed the child without having that extremely rewarding motherhood bond I hope for from carrying it for nine months, going through the struggle of childbirth and knowing this is the child I will raise, and will shape, and will make decisions about, and will be called “mother”. I want the intense emotions and bonds, both good and bad.

I don’t want to babysit for the rest of my life, he’ll I did that for 20 years being the oldest of 9 and an automatic built in babysitter. :(