Self loathing

I have to get it off my chest... I feel like a fuck up and I know I shouldn’t... I’ve been raped twice, once when I was 14 years old I decided to be cool and sneak out to a party with an older group of friends who clearly were not friends... I was drugged but not enough god do I wish it was more so I do remember part of it and it eats me alive... I had to have my friend take me to cvs for plan b which I had zero idea and that’s how I lost my virginity... then I proceeded to date many guys who ended up being extremely abusive... following that I was raped again at 17 this time there was not drugging it was at a party and we were all a little drunk but mostly there I can never forget it and I’m not sure how to ask for help I’m being eaten alive everyday does anyone have any advice where to go what to do for help...