I thought I would.

Four days post partum. I thought I would breastfeed my baby. When he was born I was diligent about getting him to latch and all the things that come with mom and baby learning to breastfeed with my colostrum. Then the post-partum depression came. I don't believe breastfeeding was to blame, I know It would have happened regardless. It was relentless. I stopped sleeping. I stopped eating. I cried constantly. Then my baby boy stopped latching. I have an extensive history of depression and anxiety, so I knew I was at a higher risk of developing PPD, but I still hoped I would be spared from it somehow. I was not. But with the support of my wonderful husband I sought help early, and I have been put back on the combination of anxiety and depression meds I was on pre-pregnancy. And now with these meds, I cannot give my baby any of my breast milk because the medication makes it unsafe. As I talked to my OB I began to sob because I could not longer provide the best possible sustenance for him. My OB said "Yes breast milk is beneficial for baby, but formula will nourish him too, and he needs his mother more than he needs her milk". This provided some comfort but I still felt like I somehow failed my son. It took a few moments, but now I'm starting to realize I would have failed my son more if I had not gotten the help I SO DESPERATELY NEEDED. And now, as my colostrum has given way to breastmilk and my breast start to swell for the first time, I cannot help but to feel sad. Why am I typing this to you mommas now? I guess I just want all my breastfeeding mommas to remember to appreciate what your body is providing for your babies, even if it seems hard at times. Because not all of us are able to and it kills us inside. I also want all my mommas, breast or formula-feeders to recognize the signs of PPD and SEEK HELP as soon as possible. Our babies need us. Thank you for reading 💙