So. i will preface this rant with a few background details. so my first love who this rant is about is pissing me off. we had a thing when we were quite young and it didnt work out we continued being friends and toyed with the idea of trying again a few times. the final time 6 years ago we were seriously discussing it and then he said he would have to think about it and eventually said no. about a week later i see him out with his new gf. yes i was hurt by this but i moved on and married my current husband. over these last 5 years we have talked on and off but i cut him off a few times because the context was was getting to a bit more than a friends level. fast forward to a year ago. we start talking again and tbh we have always been pretty open with and just "get each other" which i suppose is understandable because we have known each other for over 10 years. so im engaged to my current husband and the conversation goes a bit too far but me being me i just go with it. and i know i shouldnt but i do. because im having issues with my husband and him with his gf. well this ends up turning sexual and eventually we are sexting each other. which is so wrong i know and understand how bad i. fucked up. well this continues and we end up having two the different fights over the course of the year this last one was huge. now i still love him even though its fucked and he has fucked up. hes just my first love and i cant uproot my feelings at this point. well..turns out he was also harboring secret feelings for me as well. so we had a huge intense fight that spanned like 2 weeks and ended with him saying he loved me but he would never choose me. and i know im married but part of me died a little. i have very intense feelings regarding him. now my biggest rant comes from the fact that he started turning it sexual i didnt have to go with it but me being a fucking idiot did. he has over the years kept getting close to me and then yanking himself away and i shouldnt be mad but i am mad. because. he keeps tugging on my heart strings over and over. i have been hurt so many times by him. but the real kicker is i feel really hurt that i opened up to him like that in the first place and he not only stabbed me in the heart but twisted right where he knew would hurt most. idk what to say. my love life is fucked and im so so. hurt with no reason to be