I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant - I had an IUD at the time so I didn’t have periods, but I noticed that my breasts were outrageously sore, I was very fatigued, and food just never sounded good. My best friend teased me and told me I should take a pregnancy test but I laughed it off - then I started noticing baby ads everywhere and ads for pregnancy tests etc. so I woke up one morning and decided to pee on a stick. SURPRISE. I WAS PREGNANT! I called my OB immediately because I was in disbelief - I had an IUD and used condoms religiously (I was in nursing school and STDs terrify me) but the condom broke once, which I never thought twice about because I had my trusty IUD.

Well, I went to the doc and surely enough, I was pregnant. Since I was not yet 12 weeks, the recommendation was to have the IUD removed and pray that it didn’t trigger a miscarriage. My OB removed my IUD the day I went in and put me on 2 weeks of bed rest. Well, my little peanut was strong and stuck around after the IUD was removed despite the risks. I was overjoyed. Yes, i was young but definitely not too young and was financially well off to support a baby on my own. Not to mention this was my parents first grand baby and they were elated to babysit whenever I was in class!

I had a fantastic pregnancy. I LOVED every minute of being pregnant. There was nothing about pregnancy that I didn’t love. I didn’t have morning sickness, I didn’t gain more than 25#, I was incredibly healthy...and well - I have NEVER felt more beautiful than I did when I was pregnant.

I never had an unusual test result, US, or check up. My peanut was developing beautifully, strong, and right on scheduled to arrive March 7 of 2012. I remember having continuous dreams about boys so I was not surprised when I found out I was having a boy at 20 weeks! I knew his name immediately - Dominic Michael - Dominic is what I would have been named if I was a boy and Michael after my cousin who had died unexpectedly of cancer a year before (with my aunt and uncles permission of course).

So 36 week mark rolls around and I am already dilating and effacing so my OB predicted I wouldn’t make it to 40 weeks. So I was surprised when 39 weeks rolled around and I was still VERY pregnant haha

39w+1 is when i started doing everything I could to move along and bring about labor - spicy foods, walks, sex, bouncing on an exercise ball etc... and on March 6 - I had my 40 week appointment. My son was strong and healthy when they did the US. I was already 80+% effaced and 4-5cm dilated. We scheduled induction for March 8 and I was sent home with nothing on my mind but finally being able to hold Dominic in my arms in less than 48hrs.

Well - I didn’t make it to my induction. While sitting on the couch at my moms house on March 7 at 9pm, while watching modern family, I started having contractions! They started off 10min a part and perfectly regular. My contractions moved along quite quickly and I told my mom at 10pm that it was time to go to the Hospital. I was 5min apart and very regular - but by the time we made it to the hospital at 1045, they were 2 min apart and I couldn’t even breathe through the pain. It was the most painful experience ever.

I skipped triage and was admitted immediately. The nurse came in my room and as she was checking my cervix, my water broke as well.

I was already 100% effaced and 10cm dilated and baby was “at station” - meaning, I’m 100% ready to push and deliver! The nurse paged the doctor and told me to hold off pushing if I could. I did my best to not push as she hooked me up to the contraction monitor and then the FHR monitor.

I remember her taking a long time to pinpoint the heart beat and I was so frustrated because she was pushing on my belly while I was contracting and it was unbearably painful. She asked me to hold tight for one more minute, it was just important that she gets a heart rate tracking before I deliver. Then she made a call and within a min a doctor was in the room with an ultrasound machine. I immediately looked at my mom and started crying and yelling that something was wrong. And I was correct. The doctor did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was no heartbeat. My son was gone. I don’t remember the exact words she used - the whole moment is a blur still to this day. I just remember begging for a csection and telling them to get him out and bring him back. But it was too late for my son.

The gave me pain meds and put me on medication to slow my contractions so I wouldn’t have to push right away. I got an epidural immediately and was told when I was ready, to let them know so I could start pushing.

At 130am on March 8, I called the nurse in and told her I just wanted to meet and hold my son. The doctor came in, and with my family by my side, my mother holding my hand - I started pushing. I pushed for just 1.5 contractions and my son was born.

They put him on my chest and I finally got to hold my son. And let me tell you - he was perfectly beautiful. He looked EXACTLY like my brother. A little Italian baby through and through. I have such vivid memories of what it felt like to have him in my arms - to kiss his forehead and little nose - to hold his little body against my chest.

The emotional pain was horrible but I was blessed to have more family at my side than I knew what to do with. I got to hold my son for 18hours before I left the hospital. His funeral was that following Sunday.

How my life played out the following years was a roller coaster. The anger, betrayal, hurt...the grief...it was too much for me to handle. There was an emptiness in me and my arms constantly missed the weight of him in them. I eventually began self medicating and becoming addicted to opiates. I, thankfully, finally sought out grief counseling and am clean. I graduated nursing school with honors, met the love of my life, and am TTC again.

I share my story in hopes of letting other mothers of full term unexplained stillbirth angels know that they are not alone. I think if I maybe had someone to talk to about what I went though, the feelings I felt, the pain I carried...my grieving process might have been different. My heart goes out to any mother or father who has had to bury their child. ❤️

Two days before I went in to labor

Immediately after he was born - and a remembrance post on his 5th birthday

Dominic and nana

My final goodbye to my son

His gravesite last year on the most beautiful Mother’s Day afternoon ❤️❤️