Severe anxiety and my boyfriend are ruining my life.

Let me start off by saying I’m 20 years old. I’ve had anxiety my entire life. My boyfriend is 21, we’ve been dating for 2 years now and we have an almost 9 month old son.

When my son was about 3 months old, my boyfriend left me. He said he didn’t love me and didn’t want to ever be with me again and packed his stuff leaving me and the baby alone. After about a month he started coming around again but would say how he didn’t know if he loved me. He eventually moved back in. Everytime he got mad, he’d pack and leave. He can just up and leave whenever he feels like it and it’s so unfair. He’d leave me and tell me he never loved me, wished he never met me, i annoyed him, and more things too. He’d say things i wouldn’t want anyone to have to hear and deal with, like he never wanted to get me pregnant ,he wanted to tell me to abort. He’s left atleast 20 times since my sons been born. Everytime he comes back apologizing saying he didn’t mean it, then when he gets mad again he said he only told me that he loved me and was sorry to make me feel better and how I’ll always know he never loved me. I think things are okay and then he just leaves. He’ll have sex with me and leave the next day. Well have an amazing date and he leaves the next day. If i tell him i feel insecure and scared to be with him he goes off on me because apparently it’s just annoying and i want to argue..

A girl was at his family get together for Christmas and she told my son “i just saw you a month ago” and I’ve never seen her before, he automatically said oh that’s my cousin but i knew she wasn’t and after 4 days of him calling me a crazy jealous annoying self conscious bitch, he told me he lied and she isn’t his cousin. But I’m wrong to be mad at him for lying.. i can’t work, no one will watch my son for me. He doesn’t give me money even though he works more now and told me if i let him he’d buy me and my son more things but he’s working more to have money for himself, he bought a brand new Xbox one and hid it from me. He doesn’t let me sleep at night, he doesn’t help around the house. How come when he tries to leave me i lose it? I knows he’s trash but i want things to be good like they were in the beginning so badly.. i look dumb.. i feel dumb. As soon as I’m comfortable with him, he leaves and it leaves me confused and heart broken. The last few days I’ve had panic attacks so bad my chest hurt and my skin and lips turned white and my heart rate was almost 200. He didn’t even care. He’ll leave me at home alone with the baby with me in that state and ignore my calls. No matter how much i beg for help. No medicine i take works. I feel trapped. I feel like i don’t deserve any better. I feel like giving up on him will make me fail as a mom. I feel like a horrible mom because I’m not myself anymore. None of my family helps me or supports me. I have so many chronic health conditions and if he left I’d struggle even more. When i ask him to help at night he tells the baby to shut up and gets mad at him. He doesn’t hurt him but it scares me... but he swears he’d never do anything. I’m so scared to do anything. I have nothing. I have no money saved up, I have no car. I live my life walking on eggshells scared to make him mad because he’ll just leave if i do. He tells me things are always my fault and i always cause arguments but I’m just defending myself 95% of the time. He never apologized and if he does it’s a fake apology that doesn’t feel genuine.

He refuses to communicate. It feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. Yet he still tells me he loved me and he’ll change. I don’t know what to do, I’m sorry this is so long. I’m just lost and confused and scared.