I had my first at 29 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, hellp, and placental abruption. He’s healthy now but boy was it a rough year. I was on bed rest in the hospital when it happened at 4am. Had to call my nurse cause something didn’t feel right. She tried to find a heart beat on the doppler but struggled. I started to lose my vision as they took my blood pressure seconds later my room was full with staff. Even with all the noise and the pain I was in I could hear the fear in her voice when she said she couldn’t find him. I was getting worse before their eyes and they feared they would lose me too so they rushed me into surgery undressing me along the way at one point being completely naked in the hallway as they sprint to beat the clock. In the operating room I couldn’t help but scream out that I was still awake and could feel everything, I just wanted to be put out of my misery. After, I would wake to vomit and promptly pass out. My organs had started to shut down, the doctors made a choice to stop the magnesium to see if my body would fix it self. By the grace of God it did. I was unconscious for two days, my husband kept trying to show me pictures of the baby but I still couldn’t see. On the third day I finally realized the baby was alive. And so started our long NICU journey. I was discharged a week later. I was devastated having to leave with out my baby. In the end I didn’t lose my child so I can’t be part of that community(not that I want to be either) but I did lose something and I sometimes feel like I can’t relate to anyone or that I can’t talk about it. It’s too hard for the rest of my family to talk about. My experience was traumatizing and I feel lost sometimes. I’m so great full for my son and I love him more than life. Im now pregnant again already well in the second trimester and we haven’t told anyone but immediate family because I’m terrified of going through something similar again.