I never wanted one- a child I mean. My boyfriend and I talk about how were to young for that and we don’t have our lives together. I’m just getting back to university and he is in the process of finishing his contract in the service and he is close to starting his career in the police force which means we are not yet ready. Recently I had a doctors appointment and I wanted him to come along. The intention was to go get an abortion because of my missed period but it turns out that the child I carried....well I lost it. I know that I was looking to abort it but it feels odd when you were in the dark about losing something. It made me feel sick when he made a joke about it. Like we were just researching everything about what had happened to me and out of nowhere he makes a joke about losing the baby. I felt the wind knocked out of me when he said that. I later remember feeling that time when my body had a certain feel like something was there. I felt like I was just a piece of shit. I knew that I was going to get rid of it but in the back of my mind, I wanted the baby. I wanted to give it my love, my views, show them the world but I had unknowingly lost it. I can’t deal especially when I haven’t had my period since November and it makes me feel like I’m still expecting for something but I know that I am not cause it’s not there anymore.