Ok. So. I’m in love with my best friend. Oh, and she’s a girl. If you’ve got a problem with that, let me tell you right now to respectfully (and quickly) fuck off.

Homophobes gone? Great.

So my friend-let’s call her L- and I are super close. As in, she told me she sees me as a sister. And I’ve stayed with her family a ton the past half of a year due to family shit on my end. Her whole family considers me to be a part of their family, and I really love them all a lot. I love her a lot.

A little too much, you could say.

Luckily(?) I know she’s not straight. She kinda struggles with her sexuality cuz of

but we’ve talked about it a lot and she’s totally into girls. I believe she currently identifies as bi. Im pansexual, btw. So gimme all those pans cuz I love love and fuck ‘em. 🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳

We joke around a ton about being gay and have tons of inside jokes, like saying something suggestive, then looking at each other, and yelling “Gaaaaaay!” And we have this random thing where when something gayish (or totally not gay at all but we make it gay) happens, we touch feet. ‘Cuz it’s not gay until the feet touch.

Oh, did I mention that she’s got a boyfriend? Yeah. Her first bf. I’m happy for her, cuz he’s super sweet and just an all round good egg, and she deserves the absolute BEST of eggs, but I’m also dying inside.

For a while I wondered if I truly loved her, or if I saw her as a sister. And I really did try to see her as a sister, esp after she told me she saw me as one. But I just can’t. I wondered if maybe I had this unhealthy attachment to her because she literally saved my life- I probably wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for her. She has changed my life. She brings me happiness. When she tells me something, it becomes my gospel. I would do anything for her after all that she has given me.

But it’s not just that. She is beautiful. She doesn’t think she is, but she is the most gorgeous young woman (I’m 17, nearly 18, and she’s 18) that I have ever seen. To me there is no one as beautiful as her. And I don’t mean just her appearance. She is the kindest, most generous person I know. She makes me want to be a better person. I AM a better person because of her. She works harder than anyone else I know, and is harder on herself than anyone in her life (and her parents are pretty fucking hard on her). She has been thru so much shit- her sister is unstable, her Mom has super bad anxiety, her dad is a manchild (and not in a good way at all) and her younger brother has aggression issues. She pretty much raised her bro herself cuz her parents were so busy with her sister. She is the most amazing person I know. She deserves all the happiness in the world, and I don’t want to ruin our bond.

But I can’t help but want to hold her (in a diff way from how I usually do). I want to tell her I love her like I always do except have her know that I love her beyond that of a sister. I love her kindness, her determination, her strength, her inner and outer beauty, her weirdness, her weakness, her anger, her desperation, everything good and bad, I love. I want to tell her that.

But I can’t.

I’m literally laying down the hall from her rn. And I can’t go to her like I want to and just hold her and guard her from the nightmares she gets, or rock her to sleep despite her insomnia. I can’t do anything I want, BECAUSE I love her.

So yeah. That’s my story. Idk why I even typed this all out- spur of the moment decision, I guess. If anyone has been/is going thru anything like this, I’d love to hear your story too. We can suffer together.

But, as L often says, “Life is shit, but at least we’re not shit.”

I guess I can settle for being a sister and a friend. Hopefully I won’t do anything to fuck this up. Fun fun. Love sucks (not really it’s amazing like I’m on cloud nine all the fucking time cuz I spend so much time with her and omfg I love her so fucking much gahhhhhhh)

Ok I’m done now.