You don’t hear much about Puerto Rico these days. A new video has gone viral of a school getting power back after 112 days. 112 days! I can’t even imagine. When you further consider the children’s homes are probably also without power or may have even been destroyed in the storm, it’s surreal.

I lived on the water for the two worst storms in recent NY history, and tore down and rebuilt a house I’d just bought and renovated in Spring 2011. It was more than 2 years of struggle to get back to normal. Most areas lost power for less than 2 weeks, so life in general went on aside from moving back in with my parents and fighting with insurance companies and contractors to rebuild. The scale of damage can’t be compared to Puerto Rico.

Fast forward to 2018. I lost 3 pregnancies in the last 9 months. The most recent I terminated due to anencephaly a week ago. With all of the hardship in Puerto Rico right now and I’m sure injuries and deaths caused by or attributed to the storm and slow recovery; I can’t help but wonder how many healthy babies have been born there in recent months and why with the supposed best medical care in the world I’m incapable of carrying a healthy baby.

I remember after the floods in NY some acquaintances would joke about my #firstworldproblems. And yes, losing your life savings and home and everyday comforts are not life threatening illnesses, but it’s still pain most people could never understand and they clearly didn’t.

And now, if those same people knew about my lost pregnancies I’m sure they’d say it doesn’t compare to the loss of a child you’ve held in your arms. But what the fuck do they know?

And why? Just why do I need to know the pain of multiple losses that are so incredibly rare when most of the world will never know either.

UPDATE

sometimes I don’t make as much sense as I’d like when I sob while typing, because that’s what you do after losing a pregnancy. So to clarify...

1. No I’m not saying I have it “worse than Puerto Rico”. That would be quite stupid. I actually said the damage between the NY storms and Puerto Rico can’t be compared. The news about Puerto Rico today just stirred up my own feelings of loss. These days, just about anything does.

2. I’m saying I understand what they’re going through better than most people would, certainly better than the #firstworldproblems jerks that I know. And even though I understand a fraction of what they’re going through, I can barely grasp it because as said before the scale of damage can’t be compared.

3. I’m also saying that I’m sure some healthy babies were born since the storm despite the hardships, and for that I am ...jealous of those women and those families in this moment. I don’t know if jealous is the right word, but I would trade places with them in a second if it meant I could have a healthy baby. I know people died in the storm and others died in the aftermath, but that one mother with one healthy baby that lost everything else...I wish I was her.

4. Shame on you for being so cold in your response. In rereading this 3 times did you also miss that I just lost a baby a week ago? Surprisingly heartless response for the pregnancy and child loss board. Or did I accidentally post in controversy corner or biatch alley or something?

Just cruel...absolutely and unnecessarily cruel.