Not feeling it

So, I don’t know if I have clinical depression or anxiety because doctor visits are so expensive, but I just... not feeling like it. What is the reason for me to continue living? I don’t have any close people other than my mom, and I don’t know if there will ever be someone else. I feel useless even though I know just how good of a friend I can be. I often think about how I wouldn’t have to suffer if I just disappeared, how I wouldn’t have to wait for someone who may never come. I’ve never had a childhood friend because my family moved from place to place often. I want for someone to love me, but I don’t want to hurt them because I can’t love them back (I’m asexual). I want to be friends with someone, but I know it’ll just hurt me more because I’m extremely possessive and want the person to only pay attention to me, but I’m too polite to tell them that. I don’t know what to do, I just want to end it all...

Sometimes I think, “What if all these anxiety and bad thoughts I have are all because my life is so sweet and careless?” And I think, “I want danger and adrenaline, I need to be taught a lesson. I need to be badly injured, or go to the army, or be in a near death situation to start appreciating life.” Because I’ve never even broken a bone. I’m like a princess who cries at the idea of pain.

I don’t know what is fact and what is just a thought anymore...