Yeah, it hurts.

Today at work there was a pregnancy test box behind the check out counter that someone had left behind.

I put all of the random left behind items in a basket so they can be put away, and right before I walked away my co-worker saw the pregnancy test.

"Oh! Any news!?!?"

I told her there wasn't and she made a sad face. I told her I am taking it one day at a time and trying to be patient.

"Sounds to me like you are giving up!"

I explained that I would never give up. I just can't keep testing and looking for symptoms because I always get my hopes up too high. I convince myself I am pregnant every month. By putting the tests away and just having BD fun with my husband every other day I figure it will happen soon enough.

"I bet it just sucks when you get a negative huh?"

It doesn't suck...it kills.

All my life growing up I was told having sex will make for a baby if you aren't careful and use protection. I waited for my wedding day. We were careful while we got our lives together. Now we try and try and try and still no dice. No one told me I would have to TRY to get pregnant. They said I would have to try to avoid it. But getting pregnant always seemed and still seems effortless to all of my friends but me.

I want to be a mom. I want to have a mini me to teach and support and guide.

I want it so badly. My husband wants it so badly.

So yeah....it hurts.