Something to hold

I think one of the things I'm struggling with the most is that there is no physical imprint on this world that I was ever pregnant. My baby had nothing. 

I threw out the early pregnancy test strips, the only ones I still have are the fading ones the hospital made me take when I started losing it (I feel awful saying 'it', I had a feeling my baby was a boy but it feels strange to say 'he'). I was planning on taking another test in a week or two when my line was super strong, so I could add it to my pregnancy journal - which arrived in the post the day I started to miscarry. I didn't even open it, it's just sat on my bed because I can't handle looking at all those blank pages where the scans and stuff should have been. 

With an early loss there are no ashes to scatter, no grave to visit. I feel like I need something solid. So I've just ordered this : 

 Something for me to cuddle while I cry. Something that okay, was never technically my baby's, but it's a reminder, a memento. I feel like I need proof they were with me in the first place.