SUPER LONG🙏🏻..it’s been 9 months..
It’s been 9 months since I lost my son..he was stillborn for those of you who don’t know..I’ve been broken ever since. I’ve been ttc since about 6 months ago and if AF shows this month which I know she is, that’ll make 7 months that by stupid baby box just won’t work..and after that I give up and I’m going to sustain from intercourse.
My reasoning for not even wanting to have sex period..is because my SO is unsupportive. He really lacks the skill of giving me comfort , especially in that situation. When we lost our son, I left him while I pregnant. So spontaneously, it happened and I called him and told him and he rushed to the hospital..he held me up for about the whole summer and then everything was back to normal.
He swore up and down that it was pregnancy brain that made me act so crazy and things when in reality it’s my real feelings. Some stuff was over exaggerated and I can’t clearly depict why ..
During the labor of our dead son..I was in excruciating pain. He helped me for about an hour on and off. After that, he got on a little bed that was there and didn’t help me again. My sister, her SO and my ex-bestfriend were all there proactively helping me get through the contractions..it wasn’t easy.
EVENTUALLY, I kicked him out of the hospital with force by calling security. I couldn’t believe that he could sleep while I was crying for God while about to meet our son lifeless, and purple. It hurt so bad and I just have flashbacks sometimes or when we argue and just remember and want to just give it all up. I’ve been having very suicidal thoughts. I have no one to speak to but God and I am grateful for that. Physically, I would love for my SO to be more compassionate and considerate when it comes to us talking about having another baby. He wants one so bad..he refuses to use condoms with me and we have sex multiple times unprotected. I want another baby too..but I really feel like he doesnt care about our baby boy that passed as much as I do and I don’t think he actually gives a shit about me to be honest. I just can’t even think straight. Everyday, I have the same thoughts and wonders. I just wonder why God made this happen and why I haven’t been blessed with my rainbow baby yet..these are my daily thoughts.
Overall though, I just wish my SO would show that he cares a little more..some night I wake him up and ask him if he can hold me or if I can sleep under him, because it’s almost the only thing that keeps me sane. I love him so deeply..it doesn’t even make true sense. I just don’t feel like he is ever going to change..I cannot keep doing this because I feel like mental health is at stake. . Idk what to do..I cry my eyes out almost every night , even if I’m laying right next to him..I don’t get why he doesn’t just understand me. He gives me one word replies..it’s just sick..
We were gonna try preseed and opk’s this month if AF shows bus I guess not because he doesn’t care enough..I’m done forcing things. It’s tiring. I wipe my own tears and cry myself to sleep. I’m tired of being lonely......he’s all I have left besides my mom and she has issues of her own, I don’t wanna stress her out. To everyone else, they think I’m over the loss of my son..but it still feels so fresh💔I never thought it would happen to me so I’m putting the TTC journey to rest..I give up..