A little shaken

My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me around three weeks ago. I’ve been okay but since talking about the shortfalls of our relationship with a friend, we talked about how he didn’t understand sensitivity from LGBT people, sexual assault victims, trans people, etc. and I mentioned that how the first time I ever had sexual contact w someone was when they were assaulting me while I pretended to be asleep(was drunk and high), and how I told my ex about it and he didn’t really care.

My ex and I had a lot of sex, except one night I felt nauseous so I said no and he seemed disappointed/annoyed. That night I woke up to him ripping my underwear off, turning me onto my stomach and having sex with me. I was so shook that I pretended to be asleep....like the first time I was assaulted. My friend said that he raped me.

My ex and I really cared about eachother and he said he never would want to be the reason I cried, he really was a great man and no one can deny that. I can’t believe that he would be a “rapist” but come to think about it, the situation was rape by definition.

The next morning he asked if we had sex and I said I thought so, he said he woke up in the middle of us having sex and since I didn’t stop him then he continued until finishing. He seemed sincere about it but my friends are saying it sounds like an excuse.

I never want to be a rape victim, my first sexual assault wrecked me and made me hate myself, I don’t want to identify with rape.