Denial and Scared.

Katie

*This is a rant/vent.* After getting multiple faintly positive pregnancy tests for the past few days and with aunt flow due tomorrow, I guess its safe to say that I'm pregnant once again. I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 6 months, one in September and one in December. I honestly don't even want to be pregnant right now. I just know that its going to end in a few weeks and I'll be heartbroken once again. I'm so scared that there is something wrong with me and that maybe its just not in the cards for me to be a mother. I am refusing to let myself be excited this time around. I don't even want to go to the doctor this time, at least not for a while, just to save me from the embarrassment of losing yet another baby. What hurts more is that my boyfriend always says, "When we have kids...." or his mother has strangely been hinting around kids, which she hasn't even known about any of my pregnancies or miscarriages. I just don't know what to do or think about any of this. I don't want anyone's pity or anything. I just need to get these thoughts off my chest.

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