My Body’s Screwing Me Over

I’m so angry with my body. I was over 200 pounds at age 13, and I managed to lose 50 pounds during the course of my freshman year. Since then, my lowest weight was 152 pounds. I was so happy and proud of myself then, but it was because I was eating very little (no eating disorder or anything, there were just certain circumstances that made it difficult for me to get food). I started eating more and exercising and I put 15 pounds back on, some in muscle, some in fat. Fine. I’m okay with that.

I’m 18 right now. I’m eating incredibly well. 3-4 meals a day, healthy like the doctor told me. Not too late at night. I’ve taken 99% of chips and chocolates out of my diet (and it’s been HARD). I’m in college now, which means I’m constantly walking all over campus. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I’m doing about 30% cardio and 70% weights, just like the doctor told me, since nothing was happening when it was all cardio.

I have put on so much weight. I am 192 pounds again, and most of it is still in my stomach. I just spent an hour-long theatre class sucking my gut in because I had to be standing, and then burst into tears when I got back to my dorm room. I can’t look in the mirror anymore without hating myself. I don’t know why this is happening, and it’s making me so angry. Why can’t I get rid of it????