So I ugly cried today 😔

I’ve felt ill kinds of emotions these past 2 yrs of ttcing. So not to long ago I found out my cousins and his wife are expecting their first baby. What’s weird but not weird at the same time is that it didn’t shock me. I for some reason always know things before anyone does. Maybe all are not spiritual or believe in nothing but I feel like God let’s me know ahead of time when something is happening especially if it might hurt me. So I wasn’t shocked to find out. But on Sunday my brother let my cousin and his wife borrow his house for a reveal party. When I found out and seen the pictures it hit me - it’s 2 years and it’s still not me celebrating a reveal or a pregnancy. I couldn’t put my finger on to why I was feeling so sad since last week.

So today as I opened up FB & there it was, a picture of the two thanking everyone for such a great reveal and how excited she was to be a mom to her new baby boy. Then it hit me hard I started to cry like a kid cries with no consolation. My heart hurts so much I have never felt so defeated like I do now. I’ve missed work 3 days this week and I can’t get myself to go in. I can feel my heart breaking into a million pieces and I can’t fix it right now. I wish I could be hugged and cry without being told to calm down. I want to not wish them the best an be jealous and mad at my cousin for getting what I want and wanted for so long. I want to blame somebody and break things but I can’t. I have to believe it’s not over and I will be a mom and I will have a great baby celebration and all my dreams will come true....

Question is when.

I’m heartbroken 💔