I just have to brag on my little man here for a minute. I’m so blessed.

Zayne Alexander, you beautiful, wonderful baby. We’ve gone through quite a journey in these past two months, and you’ve been such a trooper.

This is our breastfeeding story, which led us to find that our baby cares about nothing, ever.

When Zayne was born, he was very petit (and super cute)

He wanted to latch, he tried so hard to do it right, but his mouth was just too tiny to make it happen. We worked for it those few days in the hospital, but it was painful for me and frustrating for him. Through 30-45 minute nursing sessions every two hours, we cried together.

(Then we sucked it up to take pictures, cause you do what you gotta do.)

My nipples bled, and so did my heart for the little man who couldn’t figure out how to make it work. We tried nurses and lactation consultants and other friends who breastfed, and ultimately it just ended up that his mouth was too tiny for a good latch. After we got home and sat through numerous sessions just like the ones we shared in the hospital, I was pretty sure he was starving. We decided that a bottle would be best to make sure he was eating enough. Out came our tiny 4oz MAM bottle from our target registry bag (what a journey this led to- we have over 20 now). I pumped a bottle full of milk and we set to work. He drank it ALL, and never looked more peaceful. I was afraid that this was the end of our on breast feeding journey after hearing so much about nipple confusion. I thought that I would have to pump from that point on and lose out on all of the bonding, and I was crushed. This was also the day he got his first bink, also MAM, which has since been dubbed “Bun” and is most definitely his favorite.

Once he got bigger, we decided to try putting him back to the breast, but I had flat, angry nipples. This was when we got into using the breast shield they swore we shouldn’t use in the hospital.

It saved us.

(This is my full term baby in a premie sleeper, to get an idea of how big he was.)

Over the next month, we tried with and without the shield to feed on the breast, while using the bottle in between. Slowly but surely, the return was made, and he was back to latching (like a pro) on the breast, no shield.

I was over the moon.

Then it was gone.

About two weeks after he was born, I had the most excruciating pain of my life. I wasn’t able to get up off of the floor, I was bawling. We went to the emergency room and they diagnosed me with gallstones. This involved a heavy diet change, and that took a toll. My body, now deprived of mostly everything, cut my production down drastically to almost nothing. I went through my entire freezer stash (over 100oz) trying to keep up with his demands.

All I have left is colostrum and transition milk, which I’m saving for sickness.

A friend donated us about 100oz of her milk to help us, and that is gone now, too. I tried everything- teas, cookies, oatmeal I can’t even have without gallstone attacks, power pumping, constant feeding, skin to skin, fenugreek and brewers yeast- and it didn’t do a thing for us.

I knew what we had to do, and I knew it was what was best for him, but I hated myself for it. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t feed my child.

So we turned to formula; supplementation. I was a wreck through that first bottle. I cried and cried while he ate, blissfully unaware of anything other than his meal, while my mom watched me insisting that it was okay and that it was the best thing for him now and that it wasn’t my fault, but deep in my heart. I still feel like it is.

(Tiny-Diny: Master of the bottle prop)

Now, he alternates between feeding on the breast and taking formula from a bottle with no hesitation or confusion. Hopefully after I have my gallbladder removed and I can eat again, my supply will come back and we can go back to just breastmilk, but if not, fed is always best.

He’s had:

My breast

My best friends breast

5 different bottles with 5 different nipples

3 kinds of formula

2 brands of pacifiers

Water with Karo syrup (doctor rec)

Water with nothing (doctor rec)

And he doesn’t care. He’ll take them all, whenever, no problem. Every fear I ever had, he has gotten through like it was nothing. There was never any nipple confusion, he still comfort nurses even with a pacifier.

It’s 6 am, and he’s asleep on my breast, and I never thought we were going to get here.

But hey, here we are. 💙