Someone help. *Trigger warning*

Most don't know my story. I've been so mentally fucked up by so many people. I've attempted suicide more than twice. I have scars on my arms and legs that'll never heal. It's hard. I haven't cut since December. But it's so tempting. All because of this one boy. I love him more than I can even explain. I love his smile, personality, his one dimple, the birthmark above his dimple, how his eyes sparkle when he looks at something, the way he stares at you when you laugh, his hugs, his smell. I miss it so much. But I screwed that relationship up. My trust issues ruined that bond. I argued with him constantly. He lost interest in me. I was so happy to still be with him. But I was so sad at the same time. Everyday in the summer I prayed to God that I would get hit by a car. I wanted to die. My family thought it was for attention. And I don't even know how they found out. I never told anyone how I felt. Except him. He knew how I felt after I broke down crying on the phone. I wanted to take a knife and run into the wall when no one was home and bleed out. Therapy never helped. Talking about it never helped. Nothing helps. The depression hits out of nowhere. I'll be happy for a week straight. Then one morning I wake up and immediately wish I hadn't. This person has had such an impact on my life. I was suicidal before I met him. But I got so much worse. But I still love him. I tried my best with him. I would do anything for him a million times over. But I still don't understand the pain. Why do I still feel pain. We're not together. We're just friends. Someone help me