Wtf is wrong w me

I’m not affectionate. At all. I don’t go in for hugs or kiss my partner randomly and my emotionally abusive and toxic ex would call me out in it making me feel I was in the wrong

I’ve never been the kissy type ever since I was a child. I grew up without a dad, but got lots of love from my mum and nan, but I never say I love you to anyone. I might on a birthday post to my best friend but not irl or by text to my family or boyfriend. It’s always made me feel guilty bc I’m stubborn as well. If I’m on the phone w my bf n he says “night” he’ll sometimes say “say itttt” I know he means say I love you but I just say “say what” just incase he does mean summin else, idk. In the end it causes a mini tiff bc he ends up mumbling n I say “what did you say” n he won’t say it again n just goes “I said night” and ughhh so by that point I deffo don’t want to say ily. Don’t get me wrong we both love each other been dating 1.5 years n saved me from my horrible ex, and I always feel depressed and guilty when I’m too stubborn to say ily first. How fucking stupid is that.

The other night I went in to kiss him in bed as he was going to sleep, (the rare time I feel gay) but i crushed his arm by accident and it hurt so it ruined it bc i didn’t think it hurt but he worked out n at appaz it did n anyway i didn’t kiss him just went back to sleep except my eyes were open n I felt really bad bc I actually wanted to be affectionate as I never am and he deserves it and is always affectionate to me but I couldn’t bc I was sad n annoyed by then. Few min later he rolled over n kissed me so I did back.

Point is, if he didn’t initiate hugs or kisses we wouldn’t be affectionate.. I’m getting upset even typing this.

He deserves more than that. Wish I could give him it bc he clearly likes affection and I’m just fucking weird